


Golden Slumbers (Across the Universe)

by jdmazz



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Daddy Issues, M/M, Pining, and everything, no seriously so many daddy issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 02:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4811768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdmazz/pseuds/jdmazz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Kendall Knight moves to New York on his own. Besides his eternal struggle with his thesis paper and his endless craving of coffee, James Diamond is there to change everything he ever believed in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted ages ago, but I'm posting it again because I need a place to store it. So, here you go.
> 
> Now, on to this story. I have absolutely no idea how this happened, but it just did. I’m pretty scared about this thing since it’s an AU and it’s always a risk you’re taking, but there have been a lot of people up on my case telling me to just post it already… To be honest, this fic wouldn’t be there without them. Thank you so much, guys. You know who you are.
> 
> There’s not much I can say about this, except I feel like I owe you an explanation – the cursive part is actually the introduction to Kendall’s thesis paper. The epilogue will be his conclusion. It’s a bigger part of the story than you think.
> 
> A big thanks to Clarry and Dirty Work for always supporting me, and thanks to Bridget (hotdamncarlospena) for inspiring me, always.

_“Often, people ask themselves: what is art?_

_Scientists, artists and authors have broken their heads over this question and not many have come to a specific solution, if not no one, for art is not to be specified. Art comes in different shapes, different forms, different colors. Art can be literature, art can be a painting, art can be a dance. Art can move you, break through you, or, on the other hand, be a complete mystery you will never solve. Art is complex._

_So what is art, exactly? It would be arrogant of me to believe I, a simple art student, can solve this matter, so instead of trying to come to answers I will never find, I will be focusing on what art can mean for individuals and what it has meant to great figures in the past._

_Let me take you back to the beginning.”_

Out of all the plans Kendall Knight ever made in his life, moving to New York might have been the worst one out of them all. Then again, it might as well have been the best one. In that moment, Kendall couldn’t see the sunny side of it all – he was sitting in his small room at the campus of Columbia and all he could see were the boxes staring at him evilly, as if they were daring him to lose all common sense, which they were kind of succeeding in, maybe, because the room seemed to close in on him slowly, the white walls nearing him with every breath he took.

His gaze flickered through the small, white room that he could now call his and he sighed deeply, suddenly very aware that he was alone, and very much so. For a boy who’s lived all his life protecting his mom and his little sister, having to take care of himself instead of others was a strange concept and something he didn’t know how to do. All his life, Kendall had put others before himself, making brilliant schemes to get his friends out of trouble, but if you asked him when the last time was that he did something for him and only him? Kendall couldn’t remember for the life of him.

It’s not like he minded being the white knight to save the day, it was who he was and he damn right enjoyed being that guy, but… He was here now. And he was alone. Which… weird. He hadn’t been alone since that day his dad was supposed to take him to hockey practice, hadn’t been alone since that day he found the suitcases in the hallway as his mom was doing groceries and had taken Katie with her in the buggy. He’d never forget the look on his dad’s face when he saw Kendall – the man he practically worshipped, the man he wanted to be, the sole reason he even wanted to play hockey, gave him one, stoic look and disappeared, even when Kendall tried to stop him, shedding more tears than he even knew he had built up behind his eyes.

He’d been eight and his dad had always told him that big boys don’t cry – irrationally enough, Kendall had tricked himself into thinking that only if he hadn’t let those tears flow that day, that maybe, just maybe, Mr. Knight wouldn’t have left.

His mom knew better. He had learned to know better, too. But from that moment on, that one day that still felt like an endless pool of black in a field of colors, Kendall decided that he was never going to feel alone like that again or ever make someone he loved feel like he felt that day. He grew up to be the man his father never was. Even if that meant never setting foot on the rink again.

But now he was here, leaving his mother and sister behind, which was the sole reason he was panicking. He needed someone to take care of, someone to worry about so he wouldn’t have to think about his own problems. He had promised to never leave his mother like her ex had done, and yet, here he sat, without her. Even though she had forced him to go and study art, that didn’t mean he had to like it.

He liked it about as much as the deafening silence that was surrounding him, his ears ringing. He walked to the living room he was supposed to share and wondered when the other new guy would enter their dorm… If he didn’t get a roommate soon, he’d probably go insane.

Of course, for that one moment, the universe seemed to actually agree with his wishes… well, one of them, at least. The door opened and Kendall looked up, breathing through his nose heavily in anticipation.

A tan, short boy from around his age burst through the door, his energy immediately filling up the room with hope and excitement. As he stormed in, he knocked down Kendall’s boxes, causing them to fall to the floor with a load thump.

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry, I tend to not watch where I go sometimes and my papi always tells me that I should be more aware to my surroundings but I’m really trying and – “

“Relax, it’s fine,” Kendall interrupted the flushed boy, chuckling under his breath. He stood up, wiped off the dust from his jeans and immediately fell back into his protective role, steadying the new guy as he nearly fell over, almost following the boxes to the ground. “Put those bags down and breathe.”

The boy followed Kendall’s orders and then took a step back, smiling gratefully at him. He grabbed Kendall’s hand and shook it excitedly, grinning wider than anyone Kendall had ever seen.

“Carlos.”

“Kendall.” They both smiled at each other, wearing equally wide grins, and Kendall instantly realized that the best people come into your life at the most unexpected of times. Little did he know how true that statement would turn out to be.

 

 

The first time he met him, Kendall was desperate, stressed and dying for a latte. He sighed deeply, picking up his shoulder bag in an attempt to relieve the weight on his shoulders, but failing miserably. The fall was starting to set in, brown colors falling over the world, the air turning increasingly colder.

Kendall shivered. All he wanted was a Starbucks in the neighborhood so he could get to work on his thesis paper, a place to warm up. Somehow, and he didn’t know why, he found himself wishing for Carlos, who seemed to light up the darkest of places with his personality. He was the best roommate Kendall could wish for and he turned out to be exactly what he needed. Admittedly, he didn’t feel at home yet, but things were surely looking up, and that was what he would like to call improvement.

He sighed in relief when he saw a small, independent coffee shop right across the street. The blue letters on the door invited him to come in, almost begging him to come in and get a cup of coffee. He figured that even though it wasn’t a Starbucks, it looked decent enough.

With his face pressed into his coat, he opened the door, and once he stepped inside of the room, the smell of coffee blew in his face as a sudden storm on a hot summer day. He took in his surroundings, studying where he ended up, when he saw the most beautiful boy he had ever seen in his life standing behind the counter - Kendall froze in his movements, staring at the boy (Guy? Man? God? Kendall honestly didn’t know) drying off some coffee cups with an elegance Kendall had never witnessed in his life.

Slowly, he felt the life flowing back to his hands, his blood rushing back to his fingertips, tingly and hot. How was he supposed to focus on his thesis paper if a guy like this was going to serve him coffee?

“Can I help you?” a warm voice tore him out of his thoughts and he looked right into the brightest, deepest eyes he’d ever seen. Hazel orbs with green sparkles right around the iris caught his gaze and hours seemed to tick by without Kendall speaking as much as a word.

“Take your time,” the guy laughed and turned around, giving Kendall just the wake-up call he needed. Never had Kendall wanted to kick himself in the crotch more than he did at that moment – he was supposed to have control over any situation, damn it. He was Kendall Knight, for god’s sakes, and Kendall Knight was able to wing his way out of any possible problem, any possible situation and had no idea what defeat is. Just because some guy – ha, that was the joke of the century, because there was no way this creature was just “some guy”- was strikingly beautiful, Kendall was not going to lose his mind here. Not now, not ever, was what he promised himself.

He couldn’t possibly be any more wrong about that.

Kendall’s breath stopped somewhere down his throat when the guy turned around again and flipped his brown hair out of his face, teasingly smiling at him as he laid his towel on the counter, resting his hands on the platform as he leaned in. Kendall’s eyes flicked down to his chest, noticing the name tag that said “James” on it, which seemed to be the only name that suited this creature when Kendall thought about it. He made a mental note to remember that name, just in case. Scout’s honor, be prepared, or whatever the hell those cookie selling kids always used to say and Kendall never registered since all he cared about was hockey. Who needed cookies when there was hockey?

“And? Do you know what you want yet?” James asked and the corners of his mouth lifted into the littlest of smirks as he looked at Kendall, eyes already smoldering even without meaning to.

“Yeah, you.” The words almost slipped out of Kendall’s mouth, but he caught himself in time, biting his lip as if it would help him swallow down the syllables rolling off his tongue. The guy’s head tilted in a questioning gesture, grinning at Kendall in a way like he knew what was going on in his head – really, he wouldn’t be surprised either. This guy looking like angels kissed his face and he obviously realized it, which should turn Kendall off, if he was like any other normal person.

Of course, Kendall wasn’t normal, so it didn’t. At all. If anything, he became more intrigued every second, wanting to know what went through that brain, to figure out the mysteries that hid behind that smile, and how was it normal that he craved all this about a guy he barely spoke two sentences to?

“A latte, please,” he asked after staring at his face for a little too long, his smooth skin shining in the soft, yellow light of the shop.  

“Go sit down, I’ll bring it over to you in a sec.” James tilted his head and added: “Unless you’re in a rush, of course.”

“Nah… I’ll be here for a while.” Kendall couldn’t hide the bitter undertone in his voice and pointed at his bag, heavy on his shoulder, as if that explained everything, which... It actually seemed to, since James (god, would he ever get used to that name?) nodded and gave him a small smile, eyes filled with pity and understanding.

Kendall gave James one last, blank look that only filled the sheer purpose of just looking at him, before sitting down at a small table, unloading his bag with a deep sigh and getting out his MacBook. He was here to study, after all. His mom would kill him if he failed and Katie would be so incredibly disappointed, but Kendall didn’t see why this thesis paper couldn’t just write itself, because he certainly wasn’t going to write it today – the empty document shone at him, teasing and taunting, reminding him of the fact that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. Whoever said college was the best time of anyone’s life needed to be shot. All Kendall wanted was his damned coffee.

“Sorry that took a while, here you go!” Kendall’s chair nearly tumbled backwards, his jump so sudden that James couldn’t help but laugh. He just turned and started at him, eyebrows furrowed and grabbing the cup out of James’ hands, grumping as he did so.

“There’s no one in here, what on earth took you so long?” he half-grumbled, half-joked. James just smiled widely, flashing his white teeth at Kendall and oh, yeah. Of course. Of course those were perfect, too. Was there anything about this man that wasn’t?

“You seem a little stressed out,” James laughed at him, a friendly laugh that turned Kendall into a puddle of goo as well as got onto his nerves simultaneously -  whatever it was, this guy had too much of an influence on Kendall’s well-being already and Kendall decided that he’d had enough. He needed to leave him alone as soon as possible and he would do anything to make sure of that.

“Don’t you have a job to do?”

“Nah,” James shrugged and grinned as he flipped his hair out of his face again, grabbing a chair and putting it next to Kendall. “What’s your major?”

“Art,” was the only word Kendall managed to utter as he saw James’ eyes lit up and he just wanted to _die_. James leaned in, shoving the chair back and already moving towards it, clearly wanting to sit down and stay there for a while. To avoid the conversation from going on to long and to prevent himself from losing his sanity, Kendall quickly added: “And I really don’t have time to talk about it, okay? Maybe next time.”

He immediately regretted his words when James’ face started shining like the sun -  a sun with a hidden agenda, that is.

“There’s gonna be a next time?” His face lit up in confidence, cheeks glowing in amusement and honestly, Kendall really didn’t want that expression to leave, ever.

That was possibly the reason he simply replied with a “Maybe”, not exactly denying the fact he’d come back, but not agreeing, either. He refused to meet James’ eyes and focused on the screen of his MacBook, determined to not spare him as much as a second glance until he at least wrote one page of mission impossible, as he liked to refer to his project. He heard James chuckle behind him before he walked back to the counter and when he started humming to himself, Kendall decided it was safe to look around him. He glanced around the room, taking in the warm, yellow walls, the mahogany furniture, the few plants in the corners of the room. His hand closed around his cup and only when he quickly glanced at it, he realized what he’d missed all along and his heart started beating in his throat, hard and painful against his skin.

With the help of a little bit of milk, James had left him a smiley in his coffee. From that moment on, Kendall knew he would be visiting this place a lot more often.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have everything planned out for this fic, but college is being difficult and decided that making me write three papers with a 1500 word count in one week is totally a normal thing to do. I’m so sorry!
> 
> That being said… Yes, Carlos has a major in kinesiology. For those who don’t know what that entails, it’s basically human studies and how the body moves, functions and performs. Seems perfect for Carlos once you think about it. Remember, this is an AU, but I’m still going off the characters on the show and if Carlos were to ever study anything, it has to be something he has interest in and can keep it there. I figured that if Carlos knew how exactly that sprained ankle came to be after one of their crazy antics, he might calm down a little. I give credit to Bridget for coming up with the idea.
> 
> Also, thanks to Clarry and Dirty Work for always being supportive, whatever I write or do. You’re wonderful.
> 
> Anyway, on to chapter 2! Hope you enjoy.

The second time that Kendall met James lasted a lot longer than the other day, was a lot more interesting, and took place on a cold afternoon around fall, when the world seemed to be covered in the same shade of yellow that was the decoration of the coffee shop, ironically enough.

Maybe that was the reason he felt like the seasons were changing within him as he shut his laptop and threw his book through the room, causing it to clash against the wall with a loud thud.

“Fuck.” Kendall groaned in frustration and slid his hands through his hair, swiping the blonde locks out of his face as he leaned back in a chair that was older than his grandmother.

He’d never finish that damn thesis paper, he mused – he’d disappoint his mother, who was already working so hard to make sure he could attend college at all. She’d cut him off if he failed, saying it was his own fault, and he’d probably end up as a fucking maintenance man at the local hockey rink, because life just sucked like that and karma had never seemed to like him before and…

“Hey!” Carlos’ head peeped around the  doorframe, his eyes sparkling in the  darkness that seemed to be Kendall’s room, the gloomy room mirroring his mood perfectly. Carlos’ bubbly, happy expression fell a little as he looked at Kendall, who was hanging over his desk and looking at Carlos miserably, pouting like a four year old who didn’t get his candy and needed his mother. Though, if he was perfectly honest with himself, he might have wanted his mom more than ever.

“Dude, I could hear you from across the dorm. What’s up with you?”

“Why were you across the dorm?” Kendall kinked an eyebrow, lifting his head curiously, and Carlos waved it away impatiently.  

“I was trying to see which muscles move if I jump against the wall and my room wasn’t big enough for that. Not the point, Kendall. What’s going on?”

A strong feeling of fondness for Carlos overwhelmed Kendall at that moment – his personality never failed to cheer him up, never failed to make him feel at home in a way. Never in a million years would he have guessed that he’d make such a good friend here while not even being there for a month yet, but it felt like he knew Carlos for years already. Carlos, who could never sit still. Carlos, who of course studied kinesiology – nothing else seemed to fit him except for studying the human movement. What else was a guy who always seemed to sprain his muscles supposed to do? The least he could do was learn how it operated, to understand the consequences of the antics he pulled. So he did.

At least Carlos liked what he was doing. Kendall wasn’t so sure _he_ could say the same anymore.

“I can’t do it,” he moaned and gestured towards the mess around him, sprawled throughout the whole room. Being calm and collected most of the time, he had surely lost the grip he used to have on himself. Kendall felt shame creep upon his cheeks as he followed Carlos’ gaze go through the room, seeing the torn papers, the books carelessly thrown on his bed, the empty chocolate wrappers somewhere underneath the table.

Carlos’ eyes softened, his big, brown eyes filled with compassion as he understood what was going on. He walked over to Kendall, laying a hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle, supporting squeeze.

“You’re being way too hard on yourself, man. You have months to do this, chill out a little,” he said softly. Kendall shrugged off his hand, growling at Carlos but feeling bad about it as he did. 

“At least you like what you do!” He turned back, facing the window and saw how the leaves slowly whirled down to the ground, announcing that fall was coming.

“I thought you loved art,” Carlos spoke after a short silence, still not moving away from Kendall.

“I do. More than anything.” Except maybe hockey, but that had long gone. Not that Carlos knew about that particular situation and not like he was going to tell him about it either. His issues were his and his only, no need to drag Carlos down with him.

“Then forget about the pressure, forget about the fact that you have duties and chill for a second, okay?” Carlos took Kendall’s hand and hauled him up out of his chair, making him falter, and pushed some money in his hand.

“You need a break. Go downstairs, get some coffee, buy a chocolate milk for me and then leave me alone so I can analyze my own body in peace, okay?”

“Analyze your own body? Has it been that long, buddy?” Kendall grinned. He ducked just in case Carlos was going to punch him, and grabbed his coat to get some coffee.

Coffee. Something clicked in Kendall’s head and his grin expanded to such an extent that he was afraid he was going to hurt his mouth. That one time in the coffee shop had been two weeks ago and he had promised to come back… Sort of.

“I may be gone for a while, so you can… Explore your body without rushing.” He winked at Carlos, who grimaced but couldn’t be mad, too relieved that Kendall’s mood seemed to be a little bit better now. He shook his head and waved, smiling.

“I’ll see you later.” Kendall saluted and closed the door behind him, only then realizing that he just left Carlos behind in his own room, but he wasn’t worried. It wasn’t like he had anything to hide… In his room, anyway.

The coffee shop appeared to be closer than Kendall had initially thought. He wasn’t surprised, since in New York everything seemed to be within walking distance, but he couldn’t help but feel relieved that at least Carlos’ chocolate milk wouldn’t be ice cold by the time he arrived home.

Simultaneously, nerves started to creep up on him, the realization of what he was about to do hitting him right in the head. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t back out now, but Kendall wasn’t entirely sure this was a good idea either.

He looked up, gnawing on his bottom lip, and noticed the blue letters above the store, spelling “Diamond”. He’d have to ask for an explanation of that, he thought, and opened the door, a smile on his face now that he knew what to talk about. The only time Kendall was scared, was when he didn’t have a plan. Kendall didn’t like not knowing what to do, but now that he did – he could do this.

“Artboy!” James stared at him, smiling like the sun, and Kendall blinked before he realized that _he_ was “Artboy”. He felt warm, already having a nickname even though the two barely knew each other, and it was ridiculous how safe and at home he felt by just setting foot in the store. It was just nice to have a safe bay, a place to go to. He wasn’t used to that, not since his home had never been home anymore after that one uneventful day. It’d impacted his family more than he liked to admit, even now.

“Kendall,” he corrected James after shaking his head, walking up to the counter. James crossed his arms and looked at Kendall, the smile turning into a mischievous grin.

“Kendall? Wrong, my name is James, I thought you knew that.” His hazel eyes twinkled and Kendall felt a pang of something indefinable in his chest.

“Really mature,” he sarcastically said, trying to cover up the confusion he felt, and stuck out his tongue just to show he wasn’t actually that mature yet, either. For once, he could show his foolish side. For once, he didn’t have to be the responsible one, and it felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

Neither of them spoke for a while, Kendall growing slightly uncomfortable under James’ estimating look, and he wished that James would just look straight at him again instead of looking him up and down. Not that that would help anything, but at least he wouldn’t feel like James was trying to get him naked with his eyes.

“What can I get you?” James broke the silence eventually and looked at Kendall innocently, as if he hadn’t been undressing Kendall shamelessly just five seconds ago.

“A latte and a chocolate milk, please,” he answered just as nonchalant and put his hand on the counter, lingering near James’ fingers.

“Thirsty, are you?” He didn’t wait for Kendall’s answer but walked over to the coffee machine and did something Kendall couldn’t see, causing a loud rumbling sound to fill the room. He had to raise his voice to make sure James heard him and felt slightly awkward about it.

“For my roommate!” he shouted simply and saw how James immediately turned and stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face. His hair was falling down his forehead messily, making him look even more sloppy, and, fuck, even more attractive. How was that even possible? The moment Kendall laid eyes on this guy he knew he had never seen someone more beautiful, but somehow he tried to up himself every time Kendall saw him… without actually trying.

It really wasn’t fair how beautiful he was.

“You’re not staying?” The disappointed tone in James’ voice was impossible to miss and Kendall felt a wave of confidence hit him once again – James wanted him to stay. That was worth something, right?

“Thesis to write, remember?” Kendall shrugged, as if he didn’t care that he couldn’t stay, knowing fully well that it was going to drive James crazy. James didn’t even respond, silently grabbing two cups and a sharpie from under the counter, apparently too focused on the task to answer Kendall.

He was mesmerized by the way the cap of the sharpie lingered between James’ lips, how his fingers curled around it and moved to write something on one of the cups. It was ridiculous how fascinated he was by someone he barely even knew, but he couldn’t help himself. Something about him, about the way his hair fell into his eyes, about the way he simply stood there, even, made Kendall want to kiss him senseless.

“Well, good luck then,” James said eventually and looked up, batting his eyes at Kendall and right then, he knew that he was busted, knowing that the look on his face said everything James needed to know. Unsurprisingly, James winked at him quickly, opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something else, but got interrupted when one of the other customers called him over. Kendall couldn’t suppress the shiver that went through him at that last look, studying how his muscled arms flexed under the black, tight t-shirt he was wearing and wondering what kind of jeans he was wearing underneath the burgundy colored apron.

“Bye, James,” Kendall shouted loudly, not even bothering to be ashamed, and felt his face heat up when James waved back at him enthusiastically. Satisfied, he walked out and back to the campus, his thoughts with the guy he just left behind.

Only at home did Kendall realize that he completely forgot to ask where the name Diamond had come from and he cursed under his breath as he handed Carlos his drink, angry at himself that he just couldn’t control what he said or did whenever he was around James. He turned around his own cup, mindlessly swirling it around, until his eyes caught something and he froze, the cup still in his hands.

He didn’t know what he expected, but what he saw was certainly not it. He felt his cheeks flame up, warm and hot under his skin, and Carlos looked over his shoulder to see why he was so silent. After studying what was written on the cup, Carlos loudly protested.

“Hey! Who’s James and why don’t I get a kiss from him on _my_ cup?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A faster update this time! I’m sick and instead of doing homework I decided that tying the loose ends together in this fic was a better idea. A surprise guest enters this chapter – I told you, even though Big Time Rush never existed, they’ll all have their share ;) this one’s a little longer than the other chapters, but I felt like it was time to speed things up a little. A lot of developments are made this chapter, along with some insight on Kendall. James still remains mister mysterious… I’d like to know your thoughts on him and the reasoning behind the things he does, so tell me in your review!
> 
> Again, thanks to Clarry and Dirty Work for their endless support, and also a big thank you to Bridget (hotdamncarlospena) for giving me inspiration for this when I feel like I’m stuck. Also a huge thank you to Krysten (hendersonofabitch on Tumblr) for beta-ing this for me!
> 
> On to the chapter!

It barely took three days before Kendall felt like he was bursting again. Somehow, he had prioritized visiting James over writing his paper and he was highly aware of the fact that it wasn’t necessarily a good development, but he knew it was development either way. It was nice to have something to look forward to for the first time since he moved to New York and though he was still terrified, this time, it was for different reasons. James had touched something within him that he couldn’t quite pinpoint, the storm within him suddenly unleashed, and all he knew was that he wanted to see James again, see where the future would take them.

So that was the reason that after Carlos had left to go to class, Kendall lifted his heavy shoulder bag and went straight from Columbia to Diamond’s, longing for an actual decent cup of coffee instead of the sewage water the Atrium seemed to try and force down his throat.

That’s what he convinced himself of, at least, and that’s what he would tell James, because somehow saying “I just couldn’t stand being away from you anymore” seemed a little bit creepy, considering the circumstances.

To make his nerves even worse, Carlos had been all up his case about it, wanting to know everything from the first time he’d laid eyes on James up until the last word James had spoken to him and Kendall was secretly really relieved he could leave now, seeing how Carlos had the tendency to smother him a bit, sometimes.

Apart from that, it wasn’t just Carlos who had him wanting to flee – despite Carlos being welcoming and warm, Kendall’s room still wasn’t a place he enjoyed to be in. He’d rather hang in Carlos’ room, which was filled with pictures of his brothers and sisters, posters of different body parts and dvd’s spread out everywhere. Kendall liked being in his room, as opposed to his own one. Apart from the red carpet on the floor and his clothes in random corners of the room, his walls were still white, boring and depressing as hell.

Add everything up and Kendall was happy that he could leave for a while.

When he came in, it was crowded and he didn’t see James immediately. He had to suppress the disappointment he felt welling up inside. He was here for coffee, Kendall reminded himself, not to look at beautiful guys with chestnut hair that always seemed to fall into their eyes - those beautiful, hazel eyes that held so much warmth but mystery at the same time, and oh, shit. It happened again. How could he be so obsessed with a guy he’d met twice and who probably didn’t even remember his name anymore?

He put his bag down on a table that was meant for at least five customers and spread his belongings across the surface, sighing heavily at the prospect of everything he had to do. He’d written two pages, tops, and he knew he had to write five today to keep it up, at least. Problem was, he had no idea what his hypothesis was. He was explaining something about art, but he honestly had no clue whatsoever which direction he was going in and it drove him crazy– weren’t you supposed to know what you were trying to research?

He stood up, walked towards the counter and asked for a black coffee from the unknown guy standing behind the counter. He looked at the guy, who was relatively short, had dark brown hair and the deepest dimples Kendall had ever seen, but it didn’t do anything for him. It wasn’t James.

“Here you go,” the guy said and smiled at him widely, and christ, were those teeth even real? Instead of commenting on it, Kendall shrugged and told him to put it on the bill because he was gonna be here for a while, and went back to his table, sitting down and frowning. He couldn’t help but wonder – where was James? Was it his day off, was something wrong, did he go to school? Only then he realized how little he knew about this guy and that made the entire situation even more ridiculous – his focus had to be on his research, not an unnaturally gorgeous guy who seemed to be running through his head at all times.

His knuckles scratched against the table top as he grabbed his pen and started scribbling down some nonsense that was perfectly logical in his head, but just didn’t seem to come out the right way. In the back, he could hear the new guy speaking to someone on the phone in a hushed voice, but he decided to ignore it, not at all interested in what he had to say.

A lot of scratches, five cups of coffee and an infinite amount of sighing later, Kendall was done with it. Absolutely done. He had no idea what he was writing down anymore, his eyelids seemed to get heavier every time he blinked, and it was enough, he had to stop.

“You look like you might need this,” a soft voice spoke next to him and when he looked up, he nearly knocked his chair back at the sight of who was standing next to him. His heart skipped a beat as James handed him his coffee and actually pulled out a chair, sitting down next to him. Kendall didn’t stop him this time. He looked straight into James’ eyes, determined to not get distracted by them, and sighed deeply, burying his face in his hands.

“I don’t have any money left anymore, but thanks anyway,” he smiled weakly and tried to shove the cup back to James, when he was stopped by a hand curling around his. He froze and though he noticed the stunned unbelieving expression on James’ face, he couldn’t quite focus on it, his hand burning underneath the warm skin of James’ hand. He vaguely realized that this was the first time they ever touched, and in the back of his mind, he knew all hope was lost now – there was no way he could go without this.

“You’re joking, right?”

“No?”

“You have to be joking.”

“Why would I be joking?” Kendall asked, confused, and James pushed back the cup, his fingers softly smoothing against the back of his hand, making him shiver.

“This round’s on me, doofus,” James said, fondly, which confused Kendall even more, and he hated that he couldn’t seem to keep his cool when he was around James. Every time, without fail, he seemed to lose it. When would he ever learn?

“But why?”

“You singlehandedly doubled my sales in the last two weeks, see it as a thank you,” James grinned and stroked Kendall’s knuckles with his thumb, before he seemed to realize what he just did and pulled back, taking a distance from Kendall abruptly, who finally looked down at his cup and seemed to choke at what he saw.

In his coffee milk, James had somehow managed to create a bright little smiling sun, probably to literally brighten up his day.

“The sun. You…” He looked at James, the words dying in his throat, and raised his eyebrows, unable to say anything else. James shrugged in response, and for a second, a strange expression slid upon his face, before he smiled at him brightly. Almost as bright as his coffee, Kendall couldn’t help but think, and felt his cheeks flush.

“I thought you could use a few sunrays,” James smiled. “Your face has been cloudy all day.”

“That is so…” He stopped himself right on time, before he’d tell James straight to his face that he was the sweetest person he’d ever met, and swallowed again, his mind racing at top speed, because what else could he possibly say to that?

“So what?” James’ eyes twinkled, as if he knew exactly what Kendall had wanted to say, even though he himself wasn’t even completely sure which words were going to come out of his mouth.

“Nothing. Thank you.” He took a sip of his coffee so he could avoid talking for a little while longer and then looked up at James, his expression open and welcoming and he was pretty sure his eyes told James exactly how grateful he was.

James just nodded.

When he got home, he was so out of it that he couldn’t even bother to check if Carlos was home yet. He went straight to the shower and if he was so riled up that he had to grip himself tightly with his hand at the memory of James’ skin grazing against his, well… No one had to know, did they?

 

After that day, he couldn’t stay away long. He went back to Diamond’s every other day, the coffee shop a better place to write than his room had ever been, which was probably a little weird since he couldn’t seem to think straight when he was around James. Mostly, James was the one who served him, the other guy only filling in when James had unknown business to attend or when it was exceptionally busy. After two weeks, Kendall learned his name was Logan and he studied medicine at Columbia. As much as he liked Logan and as much as they hit it off, he always hoped that he wasn’t there when he came by – not just because he wanted to see James, but also because he was afraid Logan saw right through him and knew exactly why he came by so often.

It didn’t help that every time James looked at him, Logan chuckled loudly, receiving a glare from James. It happened over and over and over again and Kendall was slightly intimidated by Logan’s knowing, piercing eyes.

So when Kendall burst through the door of the coffee shop, he was relieved to see no one but James in the store today. He shook the snow out of his hair as he furiously rubbed his hands together, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw James’ face light up at his entrance. Kendall smirked, took off his coat and made way to the counter, sitting down on the barstool instead of a table this time.

“No laptop today?” James asked as he dried off a cup, putting it back in the cupboard underneath the counter. He bent down, his back turned towards Kendall, and at the mental images that ran through his head, Kendall decided he was gonna try something new.

“I needed a break. And you proved to be a great distraction,” he winked. James stared at him, wide-eyed, but collected himself a lot quicker than Kendall ever could.

“I can be a much greater distraction than you realize,” he smirked, throwing Kendall a long, seductive look before focusing back on the dirty cups in front of him, silently smiling at himself as Kendall sat there flabbergasted. What on earth was she supposed to say to that?

“What did you have in mind?” he retorted lamely, his brain going in an entirely different direction than his mouth did. Kendall’s gaze flickered to James’s lips, not for the first time wondering what it’d feel like to have those against his skin, nuzzling his neck, kissing his own lips and to just have him to himself forever. After staring at him for what felt like minutes, Kendall finally looked up, suddenly realizing that he was supposed to be having a conversation here, and he felt a blush creep up his cheeks for the umpteenth time.

“I was thinking that maybe… we should see each other somewhere else than at this place for once,” James smiled and if he noticed Kendall’s flushed face, that only turned redder at the suggestion, he didn’t say anything about it. _Bless him._

“If you have time, that is,” he added, suddenly a lot less confident as Kendall didn’t speak, his face falling. It seemed to wake him, finally finding his voice, and he sat up a little straighter, lifting his chin as he spoke slowly.

“I’ll make time.”

He watched a huge grin spread across James’ face, the green of his eyes that normally hid behind the brown shining like the greenest grass on a perfect summer day.

“Besides, if I don’t make time, you’ll try to distract me with coffee again. You always do.”

“I said we were going to meet up outside of the coffee shop, now how exactly would I distract you with coffee if we weren’t even here?” James asked amused, crossing his arms and looking at Kendall expectedly.

“You’d probably call Columbia, find out where my dorm is and show up at my door with your hands filled with coffee beans,” he said and stared at him with a serious expression on his face. James looked at him, eyes full of fake hurt, and let out an overly dramatic gasp.

“You really think I’m that creepy?” he asked, face full with feigned insecurity and Kendall just wanted to grab his face and wipe that expression off his face with as much kisses as he could muster, but he knew he couldn’t – he wasn’t even sure they were friends yet, and it was common knowledge that you don’t just randomly kiss people just because you can… or so he thought.

“I don’t know, do I even know you? Are you actually called James? Is that face of yours even real?” Kendall taunted him instead, smirking at him challengingly. James rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter, face resting in his hands.

“Do you always answer questions with questions when you’re scared?” he asked after studying him for a second.

“What?” Kendall asked, taken-aback. James tilted his head and nodded knowingly, as if to say “I thought so”, a small smile forming on his lips.

“I’m taking you out on Friday,” he said and looked at Kendall with big, open eyes that made Kendall’s knees go weak beneath him. He was grateful he wasn’t standing.

“Is there anything you absolutely do not like?”

“Hockey,” Kendall immediately replied, prohibiting that particular awkward moment from happening.

James let out a laugh, even though Kendall wasn’t trying to be funny, and ran a hand through his hair as he stood up straight. Kendall had to actually tell himself to not reach out and go through it with his hand instead.

“Alright, so I won’t take you to a Rangers game,” James chuckled, “anything else?”

“No, I think that’s about it.” _I would like anything that you made me do. Crap, where did that come from?_

James raised his eyebrows and a devilish grin made its way to his face, mischief written upon his features.

“Oh, so you’re easy to please, are you?”

The tips of Kendall’s ears turned bright red. Going off on what happened in his shower on a daily basis now, he was pretty sure that if James was the one to “please” him, it surely wouldn’t be a difficult task.

“Shut up and make me some coffee, butthead,” Kendall shot back, trying to cover himself.

“You think my face looks like a butt?” James asked, eyes and lips open in a silent gasp. “All my life girls have been swooning over me and now, with one simple word, you destroyed the fundaments of my existence. Do you _want_ me to slip into an identity crisis? Is that what you want?” His hand clutched to his chest, gasping for air as he peeked at Kendall with one eye.

“Stop it, it’s not like my opinion would be of any significance to you anyway,” Kendall laughed, and just like that, the entire atmosphere changed and the room tensed. James’ expression grew serious in an instant and he leaned in to him again, coming closer and closer to his face. Kendall could smell the cinnamon on his breath, the warm air hitting his skin, and he was pretty sure his own breathing hitched in his throat.

“It is, actually,” James breathed against him and Kendall stirred, losing himself into the intensity of James’ eyes at such short distance of his. The air thickened and his hand trembled in his lap, aching to reach up and cup James’ cheek. James’ half-lidded eyes travelled over Kendall’s face and Kendall panicked - he’d never been studied like that before, no one had ever focused on him like that, and he had no idea what to do, what to think, what to say. A sigh escaped from his lips, echoing loudly in the store, and James jumped up, coughing awkwardly as he backed away from him.

“So, coffee,” he mumbled as he turned around and scratched his neck in embarrassment, fixing his burgundy apron and tying it tightly around his waist. Kendall cleared his throat as he watched James put the beans in the machine, skilled and fast, and wondered what on earth just happened.

“So, Friday. You’re gonna tell me what we’re gonna do?” he broke the silence, his voice light and chipper while he prayed it wouldn’t crack. James’ shoulders visibly relaxed, but he didn’t turn around.

“Nope. It’s a surprise.”

“I hate surprises,” Kendall groaned and he heard James laugh, a wonderful sound to his ears after the deafening silence.

“Figures,” he chuckled. Kendall frowned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he replied, clearly offended, which only made James laugh harder. He turned around and looked at him emphatically, holding a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Nothing, nothing. Here’s your coffee,” he smiled and handed him the cup, which he gratefully took, even though he had no idea why he should even drink it anymore – he definitely didn’t feel cold anymore after recent events, and somehow he had the feeling that the adrenaline running through his veins would keep him energized for a while.

Almost as if he expected it – then again, when had there ever not been anything besides his cup since his first visit here?-, Kendall looked down and saw a cookie wrapped up in a small pink paper. Huh. That was a new one.

Kendall picked up the cookie, raising an eyebrow at James, who simply shrugged in response, and unwrapped the paper.

“Really? You couldn’t just give it to me like normal people would?” he scoffed after his eyes had gone over it, reading the content.

“I’m not normal,” James smiled, as if that explained everything, and disappeared into a backroom where Kendall had never been before. Hell, he’d never even seen there was another door back there.

“Idiot,” he muttered and took out his phone, typing in the digits with trembling hands, his fingers shaking as they hovered over his touchscreen.

_“You’re weird.”_

Kendall hit send and drank his coffee slowly, waiting for James to text back, but he never did. Instead, James sped back to the counter with a huge smile on his face, holding his phone in his hands like it was a trophy.

“So are you,” he grinned and looked at him like he was the most glorious thing in the world. If someone held a mirror in front of Kendall’s face, he suspected that he’d find himself looking at James in the exact same way.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo this is kind of a filler chapter… Introducing a few other things that needed to be cleared up and that were kind of important for the rest of the story. You’ll see what I mean as you read it. Next chapter will have more James, promise!
> 
> Oh, also, the professor that’s mentioned actually exists. If he ever stumbles upon this… Sorry, prof Perlus. Didn’t mean to drag you into this.
> 
> Again, thanks to Clarry and Dirty Work for their endless support, and also a big thank you to Bridget (hotdamncarlospena) for giving me inspiration for this when I feel like I’m stuck. Also a huge thank you to Krysten (hendersonofabitch on Tumblr) for beta-ing this for me!

They’d been texting back and forth, up until the point where Kendall had to look at his phone seven times a minute because he was afraid he’d missed a text. Carlos wouldn’t stop teasing him about it, telling him that he got it bad, but of course, he kept denying everything he was accused of. They hadn’t even had a first date yet, it was way too soon to speak of anything… And somewhere, deep in the pools of his own mind, a tiny voice kept wondering if they were even compatible at all, if he and James had anything in common, but at the same time, he knew he’d be fine. It didn’t stop the fear from tickling deep in his stomach and of course he wouldn’t admit it to Carlos, but he was absolutely terrified.

Even during class, his phone wouldn’t stop buzzing. Kendall made a dive for it, fingers grazing over the table as he picked it up, making him cringe. He prayed that his professor hadn’t heard a thing, but even if he did, fuck it. They weren’t in high school anymore, he could do what he wanted, so he sighed and opened the text, fingers still trembling in anticipation. His insides seemed to clench together, turning up, down, up, and he felt sick to the stomach, but excited all the same.

_“How’s the thesis paper going? ;)”_

Oh. The thesis paper. Yeah, that was going grand… Kendall looked around him, noting the giant pile of paper and books trashed around his desk, laptop opened on James’ Facebook page, which. He definitely had _not_ searched “James Diamond” in hopes of finding anything and no, he wasn’t creepy. The Internet just made it a lot easier to find people, okay? It wasn’t Kendall’s fault that James came up at the first try. That was out of his hands entirely.

Thing is, he was too afraid to actually add him as a friend, which made the entire situation maybe a _little_ creepy. Somehow he doubted that looking at someone’s profile at least twice a day without talking to them was considered normal.

 _“Sssh. We don’t speak of that. Nor do I speak of it with my professor,”_ he texted back after finally ripping his sight away from James’ face, smiling at him on screen. In his head, he could practically hear James scoff like he did every time Kendall mentioned he was having troubles with his research – clearly he believed in Kendall more than Kendall believed in himself.

His point was proven by the next text he got.

_“You just have to find your inspiration. Which reminds me, it’s cold out tomorrow, you better dress up warmly.”_

Kendall stared at his phone. He just had to find his inspiration, that much was true, but he didn’t see what that had to do with the date in any way. What was James going to do, let him stare at his books until he came up with a brilliant idea? _That_ wasn’t going to work. Kendall knew that, because he tried that method already. A lot of times. And when he said “a lot,” he actually meant a lot.

There wasn’t much time to analyze what James’ cryptic text was all about, because class ended and if he wanted to give off any impression of being a good student, he had to at least pretend that he hadn’t been dozing off into space. He took his books, glancing at _Van Gogh and Gauguin: The Search for Sacred Art_ and groaned inwardly. He hadn’t even opened the book yet since he moved here. He should start doing that, maybe.

He was about to walk out the door, when his professor’s voice reverberated against his back.

“Mister Knight, can I have a word with you please?”

Oh, fuck. As if art history wasn’t suicide enough for Kendall, professor Perlus actually wanted to talk to him now. He was willing to bet his right foot on it that it was about his paper, since everyone else in his class seemed to brag about every little piece of progress they made, whereas Kendall meticulously remained silent.

“Of course, sir.” He waited until the last student left and walked up to Perlus, his face blank and neutral as he looked at the wrinkles around his professor’s eyes, realizing that one day, he’d end up looking like that as well. He prayed to whatever God was out there that at least he wouldn’t be teaching a bunch of art students.

“You’re the only one who doesn’t have any questions regarding their paper, so I was wondering if it’s going according to plan?”

Kendall almost fist pumped. At least he could keep his right foot.

“Yes, sir. Nothing I can’t overcome,” he said with a straight face, trying to keep the corners of his mouth still. It was like high school over again - pretending to be following a tight schedule and then coming up with something decent enough the night right before the deadline was Kendall’s trademark. It had worked for him so far, so why not?

“Mister Knight, if you don’t ask for help, we can’t offer you help, either. You are aware of that, I assume?”

“I am, sir.”

“I look forward to seeing the end results then, mister Knight. Though I’d like to add that if you haven’t started yet, now is the time to do so.”

Kendall felt anger boil up his veins, wanting to give that pretencious little old guy a piece of his mind. He wanted to say how yes, he’d already started, how he wanted to figure it out on his own, how the entire subject was completely useless anyway and he almost, nearly burst.

Instead he gritted his teeth, smiling at his teacher sourly.

“Yes, sir.” Perlus looked at Kendall sternly, transparent icy blue eyes piercing through him and Kendall raised an eyebrow, staring back provocatively, as if to dare him to prove he was a terrible student. After a long silence, Perlus sighed and gestured towards the door.

“You can go now, Knight. Unless there’s anything else you’d like to talk about?”

“Nope,” Kendall popped his ‘p’ and sped out the door as fast as he could, forgetting about his manners entirely.

Walking towards the Atrium, he hoped he’d find Carlos so he could spill – he felt like he was bursting with anger, on the rim of exploding a cloud of words lingering at the edges of his brain.

Luckily enough, when he entered the Atrium, he saw Carlos sitting at a lunch table, his bag taking up the seat next to him. Kendall sat down on his left, but Carlos didn’t even acknowledge his presence, gaze focused on something Kendall couldn’t see.

“Carlos? What are you looking at?” At the tone of his voice, Carlos jumped, body rigid, until he saw it was Kendall and let out a relieved sigh.

“No one important. How was class?” He fidgeted as his eyes glanced to the side once more before finally meeting Kendall’s, who couldn’t help but laugh.

“I asked what you’re looking at, not who.”

Carlos choked at his unintended slip-up and his eyes flickered once again to the direction he had been staring at in the first place. He sighed in relief quickly after. Kendall followed Carlos’ gaze and looked at a figure in the distance, just standing up from the lunch table. Kendall couldn’t make out a face and he swallowed away a sigh of disappointment - he’d been looking forward to see whoever Carlos was staring at. If anything, it gave him some material to tease Carlos with this time.

“Spill, Carlitos. Who got you all flustered?”

His friend didn’t say a word, eyes trained on his own fingernails. Kendall rolled his eyes – they weren’t girls in middle school, were they? He just wanted to _help_.

“Carlos, come on.”

“No.”

“Carlos.”

“No, Kendall! Leave me alone!”

“I just want to help you, but you have to let me!” Kendall growled in frustration, stood up and pushed back his chair, when Carlos pulled him down and nearly shouted: “No, stay!”

“Then tell me.”

“Kendall…”

“I’m serious, Carlos. Let me in.”

“Fuck, okay! I don’t know his name, but he’s a med student! Happy now?”

“He?” Kendall raised an eyebrow at that statement – while he’d made it very clear that he was gay from the first moment they met, the topic of Carlos’ sexuality had never been discussed, mainly because it had never come up so far. He’d always assumed that he was into girls, but this… This changed a lot.

“Yeah,” Carlos swallowed and seemed to refuse meeting Kendall’s eyes, looking everywhere but at him. “I’m not sure… It’s why I didn’t want to tell you.” He seemed awfully lost, confused with himself as to what was happening, and Kendall felt a pang of compassion rise up in his chest – he remembered what it had been like when _he_ first discovered liking boys was actually a possibility for him and it had taken a long time before he’d grown to accept it. It seemed like Carlos was going through the same identity crisis as he did, only years later.

“Hey,” Kendall said softly and grabbed his chin with his right hand, forcing Carlos to look straight into his eyes. His other hand went up to Carlos’ and grabbed it tightly. “It’s okay, you know. You can talk to me about it.”

“Yeah, I know, but… I don’t know what’s happening, okay? I’ve never actually… There’s been girls but no feelings and this is…”

“New, right? And weird? Because all your life you thought you were going to marry a girl, get kids and live happily ever after and suddenly all your plans are threatened to fail?”

Carlos nodded, his hand trembling in Kendall’s, and Kendall pulled him to his chest, falling into his familiar role of protector. Somewhere, deep down inside, he was glad he got to take care of someone again. It was a lot less scarier than dealing with himself had been.

“I promise it’s okay. You just gotta figure out what you want, and then it’ll be fine. Promise.” He hugged Carlos close, stroking his back and not caring what the people around him might think. He never talked to anyone but Carlos anyway, so why should he care?

“Thanks,” Carlos spoke softly against his chest and Kendall nodded, fighting the urge to press a kiss to the top of his head. No matter how close they were, that might have been a little too soon.

“No problem, buddy. Now tell me, how do you know this guy?”

Carlos pulled away from Kendall, but not letting go of his hand as he sat back in his chair, eyes unsure but a lot less scared now that he could talk about what had been on his mind for who knew how long now. It made Kendall feel a lot more sure and happier about the place he was in, about living in New York, knowing that least he still had it, that he was still able to make someone even a little bit happier if he could. Sometimes, he felt like it was the entire reason he lived – not for his own happiness, but to make others feel better.

“The medicine building is next to ours and we share the same study hall. We run into each other a lot of times but we’ve never actually talked,” Carlos spoke softly and a fond smile made way to his face, warming up his features and looking a little bit more like the Carlos that Kendall knew.

“Why haven’t you?” Kendall asked, curiously. If it had been him, he would’ve talked to him immediately. Not that he’d had any other choice when it came to James, but. Still.

“What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, I’m Carlos, you’re hot, let’s make out?’” Carlos half-yelled, eyes wide at the prospect of talking to his mystery guy alone.

“It’s a start,” Kendall chuckled and gasped when Carlos hit him in the chest, harder than he’d anticipated coming from someone who was going through a mini freak-out. After throwing him a glare and rubbing his arm, he promised him: “I’ll help you.”

“Yeah, whatever, Kendall. Enough about me now. When’s your date with James?”

Kendall’s mouth went dry – he’d nearly forgotten about that. Of course, James was always lingering at the back of his mind, but Carlos had been priority and for a second he’d felt normal, calm and not terrified to death for a change. However, it all came rushing back to him now, realizing that he wasn’t ready for this date to happen at all, because it meant big changes were coming and if you asked Kendall, he’d had enough changes to last a life time.

“Tomorrow.”

“Whoa, it’s already Thursday? Dude, how are you so calm?!” Carlos yelped, staring up at him with huge eyes and looking at him as if Kendall was going to break any second. He wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did.

“I’m not.”

“Dude! Do you know what you’re wearing yet? Do you know where you’re going?”

“No to both of those. Shut up before I throw up, Carlos.”

“Why are we still here? Let’s go home and figure out what you’re gonna wear!” Carlos dragged Kendall out of his seat, who still hadn’t eaten anything, and pulled him towards the exit, even though Kendall tried to struggle against him. When they reached the hallway, he gave up and after assuring Carlos that he wasn’t going to run, Carlos finally let go of Kendall’s wrist and slowed down his pace.

“You’re way too excited over my outfit, ‘Los. I don’t understand how I ever thought you were straight,” he poked him teasingly, laughing loudly as Carlos threw him an angry glare.

“Just wait until tomorrow, Knight. We’ll see who’s laughing then.” He opened the door to their dorm and Kendall followed him inside, going straight to his room and watching how Carlos opened up his closet, throwing all clothes onto the bed as he muttered to himself what he was looking for.

It was an empty threat, but Kendall knew he was right. Tomorrow was his date with James and he had no idea how he was ever going to survive the night prior, already knowing that he wasn’t going to get any sleep at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, a bunch of new readers this week! I know I have Clarry to thank for all of that, as if I hadn’t been thanking her in every chapter already, haha. So this one’s for you, love. You thanked me for understanding you in a way no one else does, but the same goes for you, absolutely. It’s been two wonderful years and I plan to keep you around for much longer . My greatest supporter right there and vice versa and you really don’t know how much you keep me going sometimes :)
> 
> Second… I’m not from New York, yet I’m obsessed with the city. I try to keep my descriptions as correct as possible, researching everything before I write about it and I went as far as even asking New Yorkers about it, but there might be a few unnoticed mistakes anyway. If you’re from New York and you feel like I made a terrible mistake: please tell me about it so I can make some adjustments! 
> 
> Also, the exhibition that’s mentioned in this chapter actually exists… It’s just not opened until September yet haha. If you live in New York in a few months, you should definitely check it out, though I haven’t mentioned any specifics about it in this chapter, it’s worth a visit for sure.
> 
> Another special thanks to Bridget, who always helps me when I’m stuck or can’t seem to make a decision about something one of the characters would do. She helps me like no other and always manages to keep me going when I hit rock bottom with this thing, without even knowing it. Same goes for Dirty Work, who’s the entire reason this fic is still actually happening. Also a huge thank you to my beta, Skylines Turn, for loyally rereading my terrible mistakes and run-on sentences and putting up with it!
> 
> Enough talking now… Time for the first date!

All Kendall could think of, despite the fact that he was ready to die, was that James hadn’t been exaggerating when he said it’d be cold out. Of course, because it was a date, he put fashion above warmth, and he cursed himself for it. New York was definitely colder than he was used to and even though it was only nearing November, the skin of his forehead seemed to press against his bones and Kendall felt cold to the core – a sign, he knew from experience, meant that it was going to snow soon.

Or maybe, just maybe, some higher power was trying to warn him to not go on this date. Deep down, he hoped that was it. It’d been twelve hours since Carlos had first reminded him of the fact that maybe, after tonight, he wouldn’t be some random customer in the coffee shop to James anymore. His nerves hadn’t calmed down one bit since then and fuck that, this wasn’t healthy. Fun things weren’t supposed to feel this way, they were supposed to be _fun_ \- that’s why the word for it was fun and not suicidal, for god’s sake, and he certainly wasn’t ready to die yet, so... Maybe he should just turn around and go home. It sounded like an awfully good idea in Kendall’s own mind.

Of course, his phone buzzed in his pocket and Kendall pulled it out, hands freezing because of the cold wind cutting into his skin, the back of his hand burning pink. He was barely able to slide his finger over the screen, but he didn’t need to look at it to know that it was James.

_“You’re not ditching me, are you?”_

It was as if James had read his mind, which, great, was another thing to be terrified over, as if there wasn’t enough to worry about already. Ever since Kendall got home the previous night, he had been contemplating to just ditch – he always loved to take risks, see where it would get him, but this time, the risk made him feel so anxious about life itself that going almost didn’t even seem like an option anymore. He didn’t know what came over him, but something about all of this seemed life changing. Something felt different and he wasn’t sure if it was good or bad and at this point, he’d rather not find out.

After staring off into the New York skyline for what seemed like hours,  the endless skyscrapers sharp against the dark sky, he finally shook his head and took his phone out, typing out an answer without looking twice.

_“I’m not a coward, Diamond. On my way now. Can’t wait to see your wonderful face again.”_

He hit send without reconsidering, hands trembling slightly, and he wanted to punch himself in the face for being this angsty. There was absolutely no reason to be this scared – he was the one who got asked out by James, after all, instead of the other way around. He could do this. No, really. He could go through this without throwing up, or he would never forgive himself.

His phone beeped again, even though it was barely a minute later, and he looked down, smiling despite himself when he saw the text that popped up on his screen.

_“You’re that impressed by my face? I know I’m charming, but damn, I had no idea!”_

Kendall let out a sigh, still smiling, and he shook his head at how stupid James was, but knew that at the same time, it was the exact reason he even agreed to go on this date. Stupid James and his stupid smile and stupid jokes and most of all, stupid Kendall for falling for all of it. He was acting like a girl from middle school who had her first crush and as much as he told himself he hated it, there was something thrilling about all of this.

He put his phone back in his pocket, determined to not look at it again, no matter how many times it buzzed. The fact that was he was going on a date with James, _his_ James, was finally catching up with him and he didn’t, he _couldn’t_ fathom that this was actually happening and that somehow, he got trapped into his own fantasy, woven into a web his own mind had spun. Face down and eyes focused on the street, he walked through the streets of Manhattan, not really thinking about anything to stay sane.

Ten minutes later, Kendall stood in front of the coffee shop, looking across the street to search for any sign of James.

He was vaguely aware that it was a little weird they were meeting up here, at the coffee shop– why not James’ house or Kendall’s dorm? It made no sense, now that he was thinking about it, and even though James had said that his original plan had involved picking up Kendall with his car, which got ruined because his car broke down, that still wasn’t an excuse. He made a mental note to ask James about it later, just in case.

Right then, when Kendall felt like his hands were about to freeze and there wasn’t a single nerve in his body that didn’t feel cold, the bells above the door rang and he looked up, surprised when he saw James bursting through the door.

“You’re here already!” he shouted, surprised, as he made his way towards Kendall. Kendall quirked an eyebrow as he gave James a hug, albeit awkwardly. He patted James on the back, not sure how to act – hugging was something they never did before and the concept was foreign to him when it came to the two of them. That’s what he hated about dates. He never knew how to behave, which was weird, because he was Kendall Knight and he behaved like he wanted to, always, whether it was appropriate to the situation or not. This time, everything was different. He didn’t feel like himself, didn’t feel like that boy who felt comfortable in his own skin no matter what and he wasn’t sure what happened, but he didn’t like it one bit.

“Why did you just come out of there? I thought you had the day off today?” Kendall asked curiously when they broke apart, James’ hand lingering on his back just a little while longer than it should have as he stepped back and his face fell. Kendall immediately felt like an ass for asking, even though he had no idea what he did wrong, _if_ he did anything wrong at all.

“I just had to grab some things,” James vaguely answered and Kendall decided not to ask further, not for now at least. He had the feeling he’d get it out of him eventually, but for now, he’d let it slide, since normally, happy-go-lucky James wouldn’t let anything affect his time with Kendall. The fact that he was acting kind of tense at the moment made it all that much more awkward and Kendall wanted that expression to disappear more than anything, so he kept his mouth shut, just staring at the way James’ jaw was clenched tight and how his dark eyebrows were furrowed across his forehead. In that one moment, Kendall decided that he was never going to do anything to make James look like that ever again.

“So, are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?” he urged instead, knowing that his impatience would make James smile, and thankfully, it did. A small grin made its way to James’ face as he looked at the other man, wrapping his arm around Kendall’s shoulder, patting it softly.

“Patience, young grasshopper. Patience.” James tagged Kendall along, the arm around his shoulder slowly slipping down to his waist and resting there. Kendall didn’t even stop to think that maybe all of this was going a bit too fast – all he could focus on was the warmth of James’ hand, that he could even feel through the thin fabric of his jacket, his skin burning on the curve of his back through the material.

He glanced to the side, studying James, who stared off into the distance with a smile as though he was plotting something, which he probably was. He couldn’t tell exactly what James was wearing because he had, as opposed to Kendall, actually dressed up warmly, but the sight of him made Kendall’s heart warm. Apart from a small lock of hair peeping out from under the edge, James’ hair was hidden under a dark, blue beanie, and even though his black leather jacket wasn’t the thickest, Kendall could see the hood of a bright blue sweater rest in his neck. All he wanted to do was hug James close, feel his chest against him and lean up so he could kiss his nose and _whoa_ – that one was new.

Only seemed fitting because apparently, life with James was full of new experiences.

“So,” Kendall spoke after they’d been walking a few miles, or so it seemed to Kendall, who really hadn’t been anywhere so far except for campus and Times Square and thus wasn’t used to anything. “Are we nearly there yet?”

“Actually, yeah.”

“We are?”

“Yes, Kendall. We are. Almost. Are you always this annoying?”

“When I don’t know what we’re doing, then yes.” James sighed and turned around, his back turned towards a sign that undoubtedly had their location written upon it and Kendall tried to look around his body, but James pulled him back and looked at him sternly.

“You’re about to find out any second, can you just hold your tongue until we’re there? We’re literally about a minute away, okay?”

“Fine.” Kendall crossed his arms and let James walk beside him again, painfully biting his tongue to prevent himself from saying anything, but he did manage to steal a glance at one of the green signs that told him they were on Fifth Avenue. Not as if that made anything clearer to him, but it was a start. At least he could remember where they were for future reference because it was pathetic how much he did not know about this town – he ought to know at least the center of it, but everything was incredibly overwhelming and he had no idea where to begin. So, this was good. Exploring the city on a date without intending to was nice.

“Okay, stop walking,” he heard James say softly and so he did, surprising himself that he obeyed his request that easily. He turned his body towards James so that they were eye to eye and he had to suppress a shiver, which he could at least blame on the cold, if anything.

“So,” James started and he grabbed one of Kendall’s gloveless hands, playing with his fingers nervously, all of his bravura suddenly gone with the wind. “I told you that you just had to find your inspiration, right?”

Kendall nodded, unsure where this was going – he was terrible at figuring out clues and that was the exact reason that he hated surprises. He hated being in the dark, since it made him feel alone, scared in a way, and he knew that he had a lot of issues to take care of which were caused by his dad, but he couldn’t help himself, lost with himself more often than not.

“Well… I’m gonna help you find that inspiration,” James smiled and took a step aside, revealing the building behind them, and the first thing Kendall saw were the steps, the steps he’d always heard of and read about and the ones that had become a phenomenon themselves, before his gaze slid to the flags to confirm what he already knew.

James took him to the Met. James actually took him to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

“Oh my god,” he softly whispered, having no idea why he was so stunned about this because it wasn’t like James had bought a plane and flew him to the other side of the world, but in Kendall’s eyes this was something just as monumental – James had done this for _him_. To try and lift his spirits, look past the boundaries he always stopped himself at, to… Make him happy.

He looked at James, speechless, his eyes big and filled with what he hoped to be gratefulness, because the words seemed to have died in his throat. He opened up his mouth, trying to say something, _anything_ , syllables bubbling up at the end of his tongue but building up at his lips, an invisible barrier seemingly blocking them.

“It’s okay.” James grabbed his hand again and this time their fingers intertwined, tangling together, the heat of their skin radiating against their palms and Kendall could feel James’ pulse against his fingers. This was all too much and yet not enough at all – he was starting to worry that James was becoming an addiction to him and with good reason, because whatever he got, he wanted more of it, and James was as well a threat as a fulfilling factor in his life already.

“Let’s get in and see what they’ve got,” James murmured, face close to Kendall’s, breath ghosting across the shell of his ear. Kendall nodded, still unable to speak and this was becoming ridiculous because seriously, he desperately needed to get a grip on himself already.

After James paid for their tickets, which normally Kendall would have protested against, they both got a booklet and skimmed through the exhibition, both of them trying to find something that would speak to Kendall. There was one of them that caught Kendall’s eye immediately and he was afraid to point it out, but it was definitely the field he’d always leaned towards so it’d be stupid not to, but how awkward would it be to go see an exhibition about nude photography on a first date?

“What do you want to see?” James asked, beaming, and of course that was the moment his lips decided to cooperate with him again.

“Um… The one about photography would be nice, I guess.” Kendall internally winced at how small he sounded.

“Photography it is, then,” James said in a tone that was nothing but utterly delighted and it scared Kendall a bit, but they both walked towards the exhibition either way, both still neutral about the whole thing, which surprised Kendall because he’d expected a fit of premature giggles by now.

“Don’t you dare make any jokes about the fact that they’re naked,” Kendall warned him with a glare before they walked in and James’ eyes were glimmering in mischief, but instead of saying anything, he just smirked, lips curled up in a devilish grin that promised he was up to no good.

“James.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Seriously, James. Just open up and take it in, okay?”

“I’d gladly open up and take y…” James started and Kendall turned around, bewildered, throwing a hand over James’ mouth before he could say another word.

“Dude! There are people here!” he hissed and though he tried to look mad and glare at James, he couldn’t help but chuckle as well, his cheeks heating up for the millionth time. It seemed to happen all the time when he was around James and he just couldn’t help himself. His hand still on James’ mouth, he stared at him, unable to tear away his stare, and for a while, neither of them spoke.

The tension was broken by James gently biting into the palm of Kendall’s hand, teeth scraping against his skin, and Kendall shrieked softly before letting go and waving his hand in the air as though it hurt, when they both knew it hadn’t, at all.

“Come on,” James snickered and led Kendall by the hand, the one he still hadn’t let go of since they came in. For a while, there was a silence between them, both guys taking in the photographs and different angles, trying to figure out the meaning behind each picture.

“I wish I could take pictures like that,” Kendall sighed after they’d walked through four halls, both of them speechless at that point because of the beauty that was surrounding them. Art never failed to take your breath away, Kendall pondered.

“Why wish? All it takes is a little practice,” James wondered aloud and Kendall sighed again, rubbing his forehead with his free hand and wondering if this was something he could say without getting teased endlessly.

“I never had someone who wanted to model for me,” he confessed eventually and thought of the camera that was dusting away on his top shelf, only used for mindless pictures of the city and nature, but never people. Never portraits. Never the one thing he wanted to do the most.

James fell silent for a second, chewing his lip as if he seemed to think something over, before he pulled Kendall closer and brushed their noses together, Kendall’s nose upper lip slowly turning moist as James let out a warm, deep breath.

“I know it’s way too early to promise anything, but… I’m a willing volunteer in the near future. If you still need one, of course.”

“You want me to… What?”

“Just think about it, Kendall. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but think about it, please?”

“But…”

“I’m just saying, I’m available. That’s all, okay? Anything to help you and your artsy ways.” They both grinned at that, smiling stupidly to themselves, and Kendall felt his heart jump in joy, wondering how he’d found someone so wonderful so soon at such a random day, such a random place… Maybe the saying that the best things happen when you least expect them, was actually true. He surely was tempted to believe in it now.

They walked through a few more halls, but neither of them seemed to be able to focus on the photographs anymore, both of them thinking about the day that Kendall would take James up on his offer and use him as a model, whether that was with or without clothes on. Secretly, it was a desire Kendall had always suppressed, but as it seemed, he didn’t need to anymore.

“What do you say we get out of here and take a walk through Central Park instead? You’re not a real New Yorker until you’ve gone there,” James’ voice tore him out of his own mind and Kendall nodded, squeezing his hand tightly as they made way to the exit.

Outside, the sky had turned dark as the night and just like Kendall had predicted, small snowflakes were slowly whirling down to the ground, though it wasn’t cold enough to remain untouched yet.

“You still up for that walk, Knight?” James challenged him teasingly and Kendall swallowed, his confidence suddenly returning.

“Let’s do this, Diamond.” After all, Kendall Knight never backed down from a challenge.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the second part to the date is finally here! This has got to be the longest date I’ve ever described. Dedicated two entire chapters to this… Pretty sure that’s not normal, but what can you do? I almost went on a whole while longer.  
> Some important questions are answered in this part. One mystery is gonna be resolved, finally… But it raises others, so don’t think you’ll suddenly know everything now.
> 
> As always, a thanks to Dirty Work and Clarry, they both know what for (simply existing really haha), and a HUGE thank you to Bridget. If I hadn’t talked to her about all of this last night, this chapter still wouldn’t be finished. A few lines were even her suggestions. Oh, and thank you to waitingFORthePERFECTsong9092 for her review and telling me about being in Central Park at night. I had no idea haha.

They made way to Central Park, heads bent down because of the cold and hands still intertwined, fingers locked with each other. Kendall couldn’t stop the grin curling around his lips, couldn’t stop himself from lighting up in the dark, because somehow, all of this felt natural. It was all so easy with James that it almost worried him, but for the first time in his life, he decided _not_ to worry and just enjoy what was happening. Or, well. Try to, at least.

“You okay?” James asked from beside him and Kendall looked to his left, eyes trained on James’ profile. He didn’t know how he did it, since most people (or, well, _he_ ) didn’t look quite as good from the side, but James… With his jaw perfectly angled up with his nose and lips curved into the most beautiful smirk Kendall had ever seen, he couldn’t think of anyone more stunning. It was quite unsettling, actually.

“Never been better,” Kendall smiled, opting to not tell James what he was actually thinking, because knowing James (which he actually didn’t, so just thinking about this was stupid already), he’d get teased about it endlessly.

“So, remind me again, where are you from?”

“Los Angeles,” Kendall answered in surprise, because he thought they’d been over this – until he realized that they hadn’t bothered to discuss little things like that. They actually knew nothing about each other’s backgrounds.

“Ah, can you surf?” James’ eyes sparkled mischievously at that and Kendall could practically _feel_ the impending threat that was lingering behind those eyes.

“No,” Kendall denied, afraid for what was coming. With good reason, it turned out.

“Ah, man! I was hoping you could give me some surf lessons, so I could see what you’re hiding beneath those clothes. Maybe show me some positions…” His stomach flipped at that, images that he hadn’t allowed himself to picture when he was in James’ presence bubbling up, creeping around the edges of his brain. Images that he only thought of in the shower with his hand wrapped around himself, hot blood running through his veins…

“Yeah... Um. Sorry?”

“You can show me how sorry you are some other time,” James grinned and Kendall swallowed at that, falling silent and James following suit, just staring at him in amusement. Kendall felt like he was bursting at the seams, the combination of the first snowfall of the year and his first date in God knew how long making him feel things he hadn’t anticipated. Though thinking about it, that had started the first moment he laid eyes on James. He could only hope it counted the other way around just the same.

They didn’t speak, James just grinning at Kendall wickedly and Kendall biting his tongue, trying to come up with something witty to say. Of course, his mind was blank. Big surprise there.

He suppressed a shiver and pushed his free hand further into his pocket, ducking into the collar of his jacket. James gave him a pointed look.

“We could just turn around and get something to drink in the coffee shop, you know that right?”

“Wouldn’t we have to walk back in the cold for that anyway?”

“For fifteen minutes, yes. We’ll be walking around Central Park for a much longer time and I’m not sure that you can handle that, being from LA and all.”

“Hey!” Kendall stuck out his tongue, offended, but he couldn’t deny that he was actually really cold. He just wasn’t ready for this date to be over yet; he’d much rather suffer through nearly freezing to death if that meant that he could be in James’ presence for a little while longer.

“Let’s just keep going. I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough, okay?”

James nodded and flashed his dazzling smile at him again and fuck, how did he _do_ that? He just wanted to take a picture of that smile, that special smile that seemed only directed at him, and capture it so he had that smile documented in his life forever, even when James wasn’t there with him. The offer James had given him slipped into his mind and suddenly, he realized that it was actually a possibility. He could photograph James if he wanted to.

Oh, god.

Kendall looked at the snow falling to the ground, trying to distract himself from the thoughts intruding in his head, thoughts that were way too clingy for a first date. Tiny, almost translucent snowflakes whirled downwards, melting away the second they hit the dirt below Kendall’s feet. He could only imagine how beautiful Central Park would look when it was covered in snow. Having lived in Los Angeles for so long, he couldn’t remember the last time he had seen actual, real snow.

“Give it a week,” he heard next to him and it took him a second to figure out James was speaking again. His head snapped up in surprise.

“What?”

“The snow. In less than a week, New York City will be covered in a blanket of snow, I promise.”

“How did you…” Kendall started, but James just let out a laugh and squeezed Kendall’s hand tighter.

“You’re new and I’ve lived here for years, which means I’ve heard people complain for just as long. I know more than you think, Kendall.”  Of course, James just had to throw a wink in there. Damn it.

“I’ll believe that,” Kendall mumbled, slightly terrified by the way James always seemed to know what he was thinking already. James studied him curiously, his amber eyes piercing right through him.

“So how weird is it to walk in a park you’ve always heard of?”

Happy to have an excuse to tear himself away from James’ intensity, Kendall looked around, for the first time fully realizing he was actually in the city of hopes and dreams, after all those years of mentally trying to prepare himself.

“It didn’t really hit me until now,” Kendall admitted, still not looking at James. His life had really been passing by like he had stepped upon a fast-moving train without realizing, a train that still hadn’t stopped but at least slowed down now that James had forced him to, and he was finally had the time to realize what was happening.

“Yeah, I get that,” James nodded. “Amazing how life can surprise you sometimes, isn’t it?”

Kendall also nodded and glanced at James from the corner of his eye, once again mystified by the words that James could speak without _actually_ saying anything. He was eerily good at that, Kendall had noticed, since the only thing that he actually knew about him was that his name was James Diamond and he owned a coffee shop, but that was where it stopped. How had he not realized that before?

“How did life surprise _you_?”

James stopped walking, obviously startled by his question, and Kendall couldn’t help but feel a little smug that finally _he_ had managed to make James uncomfortable. He just hoped it wouldn’t be in a bad way.

“Well… I never imagined I’d end up working at the coffee shop,” he spoke hesitantly and with that, Kendall instinctively knew that he had begun to tear down the walls James had so obviously put up around himself. He couldn’t help but feel a little proud.

That pride disappeared when he noticed how nervous James looked,  the tip of his nose bright red because of the cold but the rest of his face pale as the snow that was falling down. Without saying anything, Kendall pulled James to a nearby bench and sat him down, taking place next to him and waiting for him to say something else. His face reminded Kendall of the way he had looked earlier today, when he vowed he’d never make James look like that again, but he couldn’t help himself – he had the strange urge to know everything there was to know about James, every single detail so he could understand better what made him tick, what was hidden underneath that beautiful, shiny exterior.

“I had dreams, once,” James nearly whispered, his thoughts obviously miles away. “Still do. Instead, I’m working at Diamond’s because it’s the only way I can get by at all these days.”

“What were your dreams? What did you want to do?” Kendall asked softly and wrapped his free hand around their intertwined ones as well. James just gave him a faint, wry smile in return.

“Silly dreams. They’re not important. I do know that they didn’t include running a coffee shop and living in a crappy apartment right above it.”

Living in a crappy apartment right above it. So that was why James had insisted on meeting up at the coffee shop… It was where he _lived_. Out of all the options Kendall had gone over in his head, this had definitely not been one of them.

“Great, and now you’re judging me, because it’s not a temporary job but I’m actually stuck with it and you want someone who has more potential, right?” Silence. Kendall just stared at him, trying to process this new information, and as his brain was spinning at top speed, he didn’t have time to register that panic seemed to flash across James’ face.

“You can leave if you want, I understand.”

Finally, with that, Kendall seemed to wake up, his eyes growing wide in shock as he realized that James was trying to push him away. He gasped and before he realized what he was doing, he had untangled his hands from James’ and threw them around his neck instead, pulling him into a tight hug.

This hug was nothing like the first awkward one they shared earlier. His hands went down to stroke James’ back through his jacket, his hair tickling against his skin. Their body heat was mixing together and suddenly Kendall didn’t feel so cold anymore – his skin was on fire even through his jacket. He’d never felt anything so warm, even if it was freezing outside, and he couldn’t fight the sigh that left his mouth, stroking against James’ neck. In response, Kendall could feel him shiver against him and he grinned.

“I’m not leaving, you already got me hooked,” he whispered into James’ ear and squeezed for emphasis before pulling back, afraid to look James in the eye after that impulse. Luckily, there was nothing to worry about, since that dazzling smile that had quickly become Kendall’s favorite had found its way back to James’ face.

“I bet you said that to every hot guy you’ve come across so far,” James said, giving Kendall a sad look, but his delight was shining through anyway.

“Nope, there’s just you,” Kendall shrugged. He hoped it wasn’t obvious how absolutely true that was – literally, the only people he had were Carlos and James. He probably failed though, since James’ eyes were lighting up in the dark and he was practically beaming as he scooted a little closer to Kendall.

“Can I ask you something?” Kendall asked hesitantly, since for him, the subject hadn’t closed yet. There were so many unanswered questions left.

“Sure, go for it.”

“How _did_ you end up at Diamond’s?”

“Are you cold? Why don’t you have gloves with you?”

“James.”

“Here, let me warm them up for you.” Surely, James actually grabbed his hand, his eyes avoiding Kendall’s. His thumbs started stroking the back of Kendall’s hand, sparks of electricity immediately shooting through his entire body.

“You don’t have to answer me, I’m just trying to understand you,” Kendall assured him, noting how James’ posture had gone rigid. At that, James finally seemed to relax and he sighed, but his eyes were still trained on their hands, studying how they slotted together.

“I’m just… Fall-out with my parents. They wanted me to become something I’m not, we disagreed, and I left. It was near impossible to do what I wanted to do at the time, so I searched for a part-time job. Diamond’s was still run by an old woman back then who could desperately use some help, so she hired me.”

“What did you want to do that your parents made such a fuss about it?” Kendall asked in surprise. He definitely had not seen that one coming – for some reason Kendall had assumed that James owned the place, so he had started it up himself, but this was a whole different story.

“Nothing important. They were actually right, I was being stupid, but it’s too late now. A few months ago, Greta told me she was too old to run a coffee place and offered to hand it over to me. If I took over, I’d get the apartment, too, since she was also planning on moving out.”

“And you said yes?”

“Obviously. I lived in a shithole. I needed to have a decent place to live. So I took her up on the offer, asked Logan if he could help me out and now I’m stuck here.” His last words ended in a bitter laugh and Kendall had to stop himself from hugging James again. Instead, he trailed his fingers over the palm of James’ hand, silently letting him know that it was okay. By the way that James glanced up at him for a second, he knew he had gotten the message across.

It still bothered him that James didn’t want to tell him the reason why he left his parents’ house, but he’d get it out of him eventually. He was sure of that. Somehow, people always confided in Kendall, and James had already proven to be no exception to that rule, so all it took was time.

“Okay, let’s walk again, shall we? I can show you The Pond and from there we can walk back, it’s not far.” James got up, hauling Kendall up with him, and even if Kendall wanted to protest, he couldn’t. James didn’t even give him the chance.

“What’s the hurry?” Kendall breathed, trying to keep up with James’ sudden fast pace. If he hoped that James would slow down after that statement, he was wrong.

“I just want to show you The Pond before it’s dark. It’s stupid, I know, but we can’t actually be here after dark.”

“What, are they gonna sue us for being in a public park after sunset?” Kendall mocked. His face fell when James didn’t laugh like he expected him to, but instead turned to him with a serious expression on his face.

“You can laugh, but people have gotten tickets before. I really don’t want to risk it tonight.”

Kendall didn’t miss the insinuation hidden behind those words.

“Only tonight?”

“Shut up and walk, Kendall.” He could see that James was grinning though, and oh yeah, they were definitely going to be here after sunset one day. The possibilities were endless.

When they arrived at a sudden opening between the trees and the buildings surrounding them, Kendall knew they were there. Bright water sparkled at them, even with the sky being grey, and he felt a sudden peace flow over him, making him calmer than he’d been all day.

“I just…” Kendall started but James simply rested a hand on his shoulder, stopping him effectively.

“I know.”

“It’s so peaceful?”

“It isn’t always like this, and believe me, when it’s cold enough people are trying to ice skate here every year. Not now, though.”

“Ice skating?” Kendall asked, sudden ice creeping into his own heart and making him stiffen. He felt cold throughout his whole body, colder than the air surrounding him. He saw where this was going.

“Yeah, though if you want to do it properly, they set up a rink somewhere else in the park every year. They play hockey there, too. I know you didn’t want to see a game but maybe we could play some hockey together? We could go check it out once it’s time, if you want.”

“No!” Kendall half-yelled, panic stricken. “No hockey or ice skating!”

When James raised an eyebrow, Kendall crawled back, struggling, and took a deep breath. “I’m just not a big fan. Don’t see what’s fun about it.”

Well, that wasn’t a complete lie. After everything that happened, he really couldn’t see the fun in it anymore, after all.

“Want to share what got your panties all up in a twist, Knight?”

“No, just leave it, okay?” Kendall snapped at James for the first time since they’d met and he immediately regretted it, but this was just not something he was willing to share yet. Just like James, he had a few secrets to keep. James looked at him, questioningly, but when he seemed to realize that Kendall wasn’t going to budge, he shrugged.

“Okay, fine. Forget I asked. Let’s go home.”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t want to get caught here after dark,” Kendall teased and just like that, the tension was broken again, both of them snorting and making way to the exit of the park.

As they walked home, a sudden thought came to Kendall. There was something, or rather someone, he needed to know more about.

“So Logan works with you because you asked him to?” James jolted in surprise, having not seen that one coming, but he answered anyway, a fond smile on his face at the thought of his friend.

“Yeah, he only works there about twice a week though. More during holidays. He wants to become a doctor so he doesn’t have much time to work. He’s doing it for me, really, because he always used to say that if he was getting a job at this point in his life, it would have to be relevant to his studies.”

“And he doesn’t mind losing time to study? Isn’t he busy enough?”

“He’s a genius, that helps. Can learn it all in a very short amount of time. And on top of that, he’s just a wonderful friend.” His voice was warm, his appreciation for his friend clearly shining through his words, and Kendall could only hope that one day, he would talk about Kendall like that.

Suddenly, James stopped walking, coming to a halt before a building that Kendall hadn’t even recognized before. Shit. They were at Columbia already. There it was, the dreaded moment of goodbye. How were they going to do this?

“So,” James started.

“So.”

“I had fun.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Are you coming back to the coffee shop tomorrow or are you going to work at home?” James asked as he moved closer to him, so close that Kendall could feel his warm breath on his skin.

“I’ll text you, I’m not sure yet,” Kendall answered vaguely. James shook his head, not able to hide the smile on his face. He leaned in, his lips coming closer to Kendall’s, and Kendall already started angling his face the right way so they wouldn’t bump noses, James’ eyes boring into his and oh, god, they were actually going to kiss, it was going to happen and wasn’t it way too soon for this?

At the last moment, James moved his lips to Kendall’s ear and whispered “Night, Kendall,” before pressing a kiss to his cheek. He darted away as Kendall stood there, dumb founded, but when he realized what had just happened, James was already too far gone for Kendall to chase him.

“Tease!” he yelled after him instead and even though he didn’t turn around, he knew James had heard him. That was good enough for now.

\--

When he hung up his coat and closed the door behind him, Carlos immediately bounced towards him, nearly knocking him over. Really, that was becoming such a regular occurrence that Kendall wasn’t even phased anymore – he just had to remember to make sure he stayed upright.

“You’re home! Did you even have dinner yet? Wait, no, don’t answer that, did you kiss him?” Carlos really was like a little kid sometimes and as much as Kendall just wanted a moment to breathe, he couldn’t help but ruffle Carlos’ hair for a second.

“No, I didn’t. And he didn’t kiss me either, so don’t even go there,” he warned Carlos before he could even open up his mouth, knowing what he’d say.

“Okay, good, because before you continue, I need to tell you something.”

“Really? _Now?_ I just got home from my date and now you choose to tell me something? This better be important, Carlos.”

“It is! Well, maybe it isn’t, but it’s progress and I want to tell you this now so I can get it out of my system and then we can talk about James all you want, okay?” Carlos nearly fell off his chair, excitement shining off his features, and as he sat there, deep brown eyes shining like a kid’s who just got handed candy, Kendall didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

“Fine,” he sighed and sat down on his bed, taking off his shoes as he went. The adrenaline that had been pumping through his veins was already beginning to fade a little. “Go ahead, what is it?”

“I found out the name of my guy!”

“ _Your_ guy?” Kendall raised an eyebrow at that and smirked, shaking his head slightly. Only Carlos would come to the shocking realization that he might be gay and fully embrace it only a few days later.

“Whatever, Kendall! I was sitting in the cafeteria and he was just coming in with a friend of his and that friend kept saying his name and he kept responding so I’m pretty sure that must be it!”

“So what is it?” He couldn’t help himself, he actually sat up right to hear this. He was going to hear this name a lot starting today, so he might as well pay full attention right away.

“Logan.” Carlos let out a dramatic sigh, falling next to Kendall on the bed, and he cuddled into him shamelessly, pressing his head into Kendall’s armpits. “His name is Logan and he’s perfect, Kendall.”

Kendall was glad that Carlos couldn’t see his face at that moment; he didn’t want his expression to give anything away since he could be wrong, but how many Logan’s could there be who studied medicine at Columbia?

“Okay, you don’t even have to say anything, I get that you’re up in the clouds right now, so… Tell me. How was your date?”

Time to put his plan into action.

“It was great,” Kendall smiled, and before he could go and break off into great detail and get lost in his own memories, he added: “Actually, it went so well that I want you to meet him. How would you like to come to the coffee shop with me some time?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news is that the next chapter is already written down, just needs to be typed up and edited, so that will not take nearly as long as this one. Once again, so sorry. I’m actually so sorry that I didn’t even let a beta look through this, I just posted it immediately. Any mistakes that you see are mine, and there might me a few more than normally. Just a heads up.
> 
> A quick thank you to Bridget, Dirty Work and Skylines Turn for all the work they put into this fic, and a thank you to Clarry for… A lot of things. Bridget needs a special shout-out for this chapter because we came up with the concept of it together and I wouldn’t even know how to write this without her, so she deserves a round of applause for that.

It had taken Kendall all of his willpower to not immediately call James after Carlos went to bed – partly because he really was itching to get Carlos and Logan to actually converse, but mainly because he just really wanted to talk to James again and when exactly did he turn into such a _girl?_

A little shaken, he eventually went to bed, thoughts filled with the kiss that almost was, mixing with hand holding and ice skating with his dad, the last slipping right through the borders he put up when he was actually conscious. Memories faded to dreams and before he knew it, he was out.

The next day, he finally made the phone call, trying his best to not sound like the 16 year old that was hidden inside him, buried deep within.

“Hey,” his voice trembled a little and he slapped a hand over his mouth, praying James hadn’t heard. Again, if James noticed, he didn’t say anything, which was probably getting a habit of his that Kendall was thankful for since obviously, his nerves had been out of control lately. He still hadn’t gotten used to that – before moving to New York and before meeting James, he’d always been the fearless one, always to the rescue for everyone around him. Not knowing what to do wasn’t something he had grown accustomed to yet, even after two months of living on his own.

“Already missing me, hm?” James laughed on the other end of the line. Kendall had to refrain himself from saying “yes”, since that wasn’t the reason he’d called. They had more important matters to discuss.

“Believe it or not, for once this isn’t about you.”

“It isn’t?”

“Unbelievable, right? The world not centering around you?” Kendall teased.

“When it comes to you, yes.” Well, he probably had a point there, but there was no way Kendall was going to admit that. Not in his face, anyway, though technically he was on the phone and it wouldn’t be in his face and… Get a grip, Kendall.

“I’m just wondering, does Logan have a regular schedule?” He chose to ignore James’ last comment and couldn’t fight a chuckle when James remained silent.

“… Logan?”

“No, Obama. Yes, Logan!”

“Why?”

“My roommate has a thing for him.” A short silence followed and only then Kendall realized that he actually had not told James anything about Carlos yet.

“How exactly does your roommate know Logan?” Kendall shrugged, until it finally came to him that James actually _see_ him, which, jesus christ… He seemed to lose all of his brain cells whenever he was even only talking to James and it was getting quite distressing. Yet deep down, if he peeled through the endless layers of protection he had guarded himself with, he had to admit that it was nice to not have control over everything and everyone in his life. Even Kendall Knight needed to let go sometimes.

“They’re in study hall together sometimes and maybe share some classes, I’m not sure. He has the cutest crush on him, it’s like we’re back in high school,” he revealed eventually.

“Oh yeah, because you’re mister smooth operator when you’re around me,” James teased and Kendall felt his cheeks blaze a flaming red, once again thankful for the phone separating the two of them from each other.

“Not the point,” he said quickly. “So, when’s Logan’s shift again?”

“Every Wednesday, Friday and sometimes on Saturdays,” James answered and then fell silent again before it all clicked. “Wait, back up, did you say ‘he’?!”

“Um, yeah, is that a problem? Is he straight or something?” It felt like a fist clenched around his heart and Kendall held his breath, tense as he awaited James’ answer. This was just so damn typical – he got so far, and now Logan didn’t even _like_ boys?!

“I don’t… I don’t _think_ he is,” James hesitated and cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with spilling about his friend’s sexuality.

“You don’t think so?”

“He’s… I don’t know, he’s never been with a guy before.”

“Look, you don’t have to spill about the ins and outs of his inner desires, but I just need to know if Carlos stands a chance before I even _try_ play matchmaker, you know? That would be bad for both parties involved.”

“Fuck, okay,” James sighed and Kendall pictured that he ran a head through his hair, which made him almost sigh in response. He could laugh all he wanted at Carlos for acting like he was a 16 year old girl, but Kendall was just as bad, if not even worse. Was this what love did to a person?

Love. He just called his feelings for James “love”. Well, he was officially screwed now.

“He always said he was open to whatever, if he just found the right person. Logan doesn’t date a lot, or ever, for that matter,” James distracted him from his mini freak-out. He willed himself to turn back to the task at hand: getting Carlos a date.

“So he’s like inexperienced on every level?” Kendall asked carefully.

“Not every level, it’s… He’s done things, okay? Let’s keep it at that. He’s a guy in college, you can’t expect him not to give in sometimes.”

“Tell me about it,” Kendall murmured lowly and hoped that James didn’t hear. Judging by the cocky laugh that rang in his ear, he could forget about that. Oh, whatever. If James knew that he wanted him more than he wanted a lot of things, that wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe it’d even speed up some things a little.

“The thing is – Logan just doesn’t commit to just anyone. It took years before he even trusted me in the first place. And he’s never really fallen in love before, I discovered that when we had a little talk after he found out I was gay. That sure did bring some things to the surface.”

“And?” Kendall asked anxiously.

“And he said that even if he hasn’t fallen in love with a guy yet, it doesn’t mean he never will. He also admitted to having a guy crush on Johnny Depp, so… I don’t think he’s straight, no.”

“So I can try?”

“Try to hook up with him? Geeze, Kendall, I know we only went on one date but I was under the impression that it was a success. Am I that hideous?”

“Shut up, I’m not interested in getting in his pants at all.”

“Are you interested in getting in mine?”

“James,” Kendall’s voice dropped an octave and he closed his eyes, attempting to not make the needy sounds that were threatening to spill from his lips. The visuals that came with those words were really not what he could use right now – it was bad enough that James starred in his every wet dream already, but he’d like to think that he had control over himself during the day. Well, sort of, at least.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I’m not answering that.”

“Ah, come on, Kendall, for me? You and I both know you want to anyway, so what’s the point in denying?”

“You didn’t even want to kiss me! I’m not telling you anything!”

“That’s bothering you? Really?”

“Good day, James.” And with that, Kendall hung up. He might be a little hopeless and crushing in a way that was truly pathetic, but he always had the last word and he never, ever lost.

\--

That Saturday, Kendall went to the coffee shop alone, knowing that James had some business to take care of. It meant that Logan had to take over his shift, which was actually perfect, because now he could officially put his plan in motion.

“The usual?” Logan asked as Kendall sat down at the counter, but Kendall shook his head – he wasn’t here for coffee. Not this time.

“You can give me that cinnamon roll,” he pointed and licked his lips, not realizing how hungry he actually was until he saw the roll. Logan laughed, seemingly more relaxed than the last time Kendall had seen him, though that probably had to do with the fact that the shop was relatively quiet at the moment. Which made this the perfect opportunity for Kendall to plant a little seed.

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink? It’s on the house,” Logan offered as he handed Kendall the roll.

“Thanks dude, but I’m good.”

“You’re stupid to say no to free drinks. Whatever you want though,” Logan shrugged and went back to working on the cups that had to be placed back in the cupboard behind him. Kendall took a bite of his roll, nearly moaning as it spread across his taste buds, and studied Logan as he worked. He didn’t quite have the grace that James possessed, but then again, Kendall had never seen anyone move in the way that James did. Where James’ movements seemed effortless and graceful, Logan seemed a little more tense, like there was a huge pressure on his shoulders – which, when he thought about it, wasn’t a strange thing at all when you studied medicine. Becoming a doctor was more stressful than Kendall was even willing to think about.

Still, here Logan was, despite all the stress he had to be bearing on his shoulders, helping out his friend who couldn’t run a coffee shop on his own. Come to think of it, Kendall didn’t even know how he and James even met.

“So how do you know James?” he asked after swallowing, his mouth still half-full.

“We met in middle school,” Logan answered, eyes big. He actually seemed surprised that Kendall showed even the tiniest bit of interest in him, as if no one ever cared before.

“And you stuck with him ever since?”

“When you’re good friends, you don’t want to do anything else, right?” Logan shrugged and jumped back as a cup slipped through his hands and hit the floor. Logan silently cursed out something that Kendall couldn’t hear. As he ducked to clean up the mess, Kendall felt a sudden sadness fall over him.

He had never really known what true friendship was. His family had been his priority since his dad left and only now it sunk in how unhealthy all of it had been. It wasn’t like Kendall was antisocial – on the contrary, he got along with everyone. He just didn’t have a friendship he’d give anything for. Or he never used to: Carlos was getting dangerously close to that particular zone and he didn’t mind one bit.

“Sorry about that,” Logan apologized and frowned when he’d cleaned up the remaining splinters. Kendall smiled at him reassuringly and patted on the bar stool next to him, gesturing Logan to sit down.

“Come on, take a break, no one’s here anyway.” After a quick, nervous glance through the shop, Logan finally sat down, the tension flowing away from him in waves immediately.

“That’s better,” he sighed and rubbed his neck.

“Medicine being tough on you?” Kendall asked sympathetically and Logan scrunched up his nose, nodding in agreement.

“Yeah. It’s not like I have a hard time combining my classes and work, but there’s just no time left to do anything but eat and sleep. And when I do have just an hour of free time, they ask me to assist in the kinesiology department a lot because they’re suffering from a huge shortage.”

Kendall perked up, barely able to hide the smirk that was forming around his lips.

“Did you say kinesiology?”

“Yeah, why?”

“My roommate studies kinesiology and he’s awfully good at it, he just has a little trouble focusing sometimes.”

“A lot of them do, it’s what I’m mostly there for. To help them focus. If they don’t want my help, it’s not getting anywhere though.”

“Do you ever take private lessons?” Kendall asked, this time unable to hide the grin that was spread across his face. Logan eyed him suspiciously.

“When they deem it necessary, yeah. What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just curious, Carlos never tells me anything about what it’s like in study hall. Or his classes.” It wasn’t entirely true, but for now, that was okay. Kendall knew what he needed to know.

Coming Wednesday, it’d be show time.

\--

Two weeks later, Carlos still hadn’t come with to Diamond’s, and quite frankly, Kendall was getting fed up with him. The entire reason he wanted Carlos to come along on a Wednesday was because Wednesday was Logan’s work day and since all odds seemed to be in his favor, it was also the day Carlos only had one class and an easy one at that.

It should be simple enough. He didn’t tell Carlos that Logan worked there because then Kendall would have to literally drag him to Diamond’s. Instead, he just told Carlos that he really wanted him to meet James. Which was true, to a certain extent.

For some reason, however, this was the moment that Carlos decided to be stubborn .

“You’re going with me today, Carlos. You’ve been putting it off long enough.”

“No! I have a final this Thursday and I haven’t done nearly enough yet, I’m not ready!”

“You’ve been studying for seven hours straight and your attention span is not THAT good, Carlos. You already have problems focusing in study hall. Take a break.”

“That’s because Logan’s there. I just keep staring at him, Kendall. I can’t help myself. He’s just so smart and the way he walks is just…” He sighed, a mixture of desperation and delight hidden below the surface, and Kendall had to stifle a laugh. Carlos had no idea what he was in for.

“You’re going insane, just go with me and focus on James’ beauty. You’ll be stunned, promise.” Oh, and stunned he would be. He could only picture Carlos’ face when he’d see Logan behind the counter.

“Kendall, I don’t know…”

“Come on, Carlos! I just really want you to meet the guy that I’m… That I like. You know, because we’re best buds and all?”

“We’re best friends?” Carlos asked surprised and a smile that could rival the sun in its brightness spread across his face, almost lighting up the entire room, and Kendall knew he’d won.

“Fine. Let’s go, but I can’t be gone too long. An hour tops, do you hear me?” The attempt at being strict was ridiculous, considering the fact that he was Carlos and strict was a word that didn’t even come up in his dictionary, but the message came across anyway.

“I love you.” Kendall threw him his sweetest smile and went in for a kiss on the cheek when Carlos stepped back and held out his arms in protection.

“Dude, I know we both like guys and all, but this is a little too gay for me.” And there he was again, the Carlos that Kendall had known and who, now that Kendall was paying close attention to him, actually seemed a little nervous at the prospect of meeting James. As they both grabbed their coats, bumping into each other as they shrugged them on, Kendall couldn’t help but feel really damn satisfied with himself. If Carlos was already anxious now, he had no idea what Kendall had in store for him.

\--

It was even funnier than Kendall had expected: the moment Carlos set foot in the store, Logan had been right within his eyesight, standing behind the counter and printing out a bill. Carlos’ fingers dug firmly into Kendall’s arm through his jacket and Kendall had to bite back a laugh when his friend tried to make a beeline to the door. Kendall’s grip on his waist tightened and he pushed him forward. Judging by the way Carlos’ face had paled and how his eyes seemed to bug out of their sockets, Carlos wasn’t going to talk any time soon.

“Logan, where’s James?” Logan looked up from his bill, eyes moving over Carlos’ posture curiously before they glowed with a hint of recognition.

“Um, he’s running some errands. Who’s your friend?”

“This is who I was talking about, the roommate who also does kinesiology?”

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere! You’re in study hall all the time, aren’t you?” Logan asked Carlos directly and Carlos flushed, freezing next to Kendall.

“Not all the time,” he nervously laughed and scratched the back of his neck, eyes fluttering anywhere but directly at Logan’s face. Kendall was nearly shaking from laughter, purposely looking at his shoes before resting his eyes back on Carlos.

“Yeah, okay,” he started and pushed Carlos down at a table right next to the counter, so that he could at least have a little space to breathe. “So this is Carlos, my roommate, and Carlos, this is Logan.”

When Carlos still didn’t say anything, Kendall had to fight back the urge to roll his eyes – this was truly getting ridiculous. Sure, Logan was handsome, but it wasn’t like he had to try and talk to a supermodel. It was just Logan, who, now that Kendall paid attention to it, seemed awfully interested in Carlos as well.

“I was thinking he could maybe help you try to focus on that one class you have some issues with, since he assists in your department. He’s a med student.”

“Oh, yeah, I know he is,” Carlos blurted out without thinking and Kendall was pretty sure that even though it wasn’t visible because of his tan skin, Carlos was blushing furiously.

“You do?!” Logan asked surprised and Carlos looked like he wanted to die. This time, Kendall did roll his eyes – did he seriously have to do _everything_ around here?

“Two things to you, Logan. One, can we have a coffee, two regular ones, please?” he asked in an attempt of distracting him from Carlos’ not-so-subtle confession. Logan shook his head, almost as if he was trying to snap out of something, and turned to the coffee machine, putting the beans in slowly but deliberately.

“And the second?” he asked with an eyebrow raised when he turned back around with two hot steaming cups of coffee in his hands and handed them over.

“Would you mind helping out Carlos with one of his classes?” Logan shook his head, dumbfounded, and Kendall grinned. He glanced at Carlos and saw how he was bashfully sipping from his cup, nearly spluttering because of the heat.

Oh, man, this was gonna be more difficult than he thought it would be.

“Terrific. How about Wednesday nights? You can just meet up here after your shift is over, I’m sure James wouldn’t mind.”

“James wouldn’t mind what?” Kendall turned around and was met with the sight of James, hair soaked from the rain outside and clothes sticking to his body. Kendall swallowed, unconsciously  moving closer to James without taking his eyes off of him.

He hoped Carlos and Logan could handle themselves from that point on, because he was going to be no help whatsoever anymore. Not when James looked like _that_.

“That Logan tutors Carlos in here after Logan’s shift is over every Wednesday?”

“It’s not tutoring!” Carlos protested, slamming his cup down. “It’s not like I’m too dumb for it!”

“Nobody’s saying you’re dumb, Carlos,” Logan shushed him and sat down next to him. The unexpected movement made Carlos freeze all over again and Kendall thought to himself that he really had to get over that sometime soon, when James brushed against his back lightly as he moved to the counter, making Kendall shiver in the process. Honestly, he was pretty pathetic himself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not planning on updating this fast but alas, I did. Just enjoy it while you can because once college starts, it won’t be this fast again.
> 
> At least one thing that has to happen is happening this chapter… All I can say is, enjoy ;)
> 
> Special thanks to Skylines Turn and Clarry for their awesome feedback and beta work, and another thank you (as always) to Bridget and Dirty Work.

Laying on his bed, feet high up in the air, Kendall bit down on his pen, wondering if letting his blood flow to his brain would give him some inspiration for his thesis paper. Outside the window, the world was covered in an icy blanket of white.

 

Turned out that after all, James had been right.

 

Not only about the snow, obviously. He’d been right about Kendall wanting to get in his pants as well, but to be fair, who wouldn’t? In his head, he replayed the phone call of the other day, replayed how James had been genuinely surprised that Kendall was bummed out he didn’t kiss him. Of course, James was a tease – he’d known that, deep down, but James also knew that Kendall absolutely couldn’t resist him, as hard as he tried to fight it. 

 

Because unlike Logan when it came to Carlos, James wasn’t oblivious. Their two friends had had two study dates so far, and still, Logan seemed to not take any notice of how Carlos was making gooey eyes at him. On the contrary, Carlos was actually getting better at focusing. On Logan, that is, but focus was focus. 

 

Just like James made Kendall focus. Somehow, James made him feel alive, vibrant, and in ways he couldn’t quite explain, he lifted his spirits. Even without knowing everything about him, Kendall was at ease with James, so at ease that he was even capable of writing his thesis paper when he was around him, better than when he was at home. The only times he had ideas of any importance, they occurred to him when he was with James.

 

Right when he felt like something important was creeping around the edges of his brain, lurking somewhere he couldn’t quite grasp it, his phone rang and snapped him out of his thoughts. Since he knew the only person to ever call him was James (he always skyped with his mom and Katie because they wanted to see his face), he couldn’t even be angry if he tried. If anyone was allowed to interrupt his creative process, it was James, after all.

 

“Hello?” he answered cheerily, hoping this was leading up to another date. After all, it’d been over a week since the last and even though he promised himself to be cool about this (his thesis was why he was here, not a mind-blowingly stunning guy), he really was getting a tiny bit anxious.

 

Just a tiny bit.

 

When James’ voice sounded desperately frantic on the other end of the line, he gave up – clearly working on college was a lost cause. At least for today.

 

“Help. Me.” James’ voice was barely anything but a squeak and barely even audible at that since the background was filled with noises of people talking, the kind where your own voice literally got lost in the crowd, dissolving into a sea of human noise. 

 

It was Kendall’s favorite kind of noise.

 

“Busy day?” he informed, smiling. James probably would have caught on to the smile in his voice if he wasn’t so stressed out.

 

“Busy? More like insanity!” he heard James shriek, voice catching somewhere down his throat.“There’s a legion of housewives in here, I’ve been pinched in the butt, and I’m all alone since stupid Logan is off with that little bouncy friend of yours!” 

 

Kendall chuckled at that, glancing towards the closed door of Carlos’ room, muffled voices sounding through the dorms, and then back at the window again. He could already feel the icy cold cutting through his skin, but he’d made up his mind. Not like he had any choice to begin with.

 

“First off, I can’t blame them – your butt is obscene. Second, Carlos and Logan are both right here, studying quietly. Lastly… Need me to give you a hand?” 

 

Judging by the silence that followed, Kendall knew he wasn’t the only one who’d caught on to the unintended innuendo, but thankfully, James let it slip. He fiddled with his bracelet as he waited for an answer, gnawing on his lip nervously.

 

“Yes,” James said eventually and he sounded a little out of breath. “Please, come save me. Be my Knight in shining armor.”

 

“I’ll be right there, but I’m warning you… A Knight in plaid is the best you’ll get.” 

 

\--

 

If he thought that he was out of breath after running to Diamond’s in the freezing cold, it was nothing compared to working in a crowded coffee shop. He now fully understood why James had been so desperate before: this was torture.

 

Especially the housewives were difficult to deal with: middle aged women who were out with their friends and only saw their own husbands sporadically were the worst kind of customers. When the last one left nearly three hours later, he let out a relieved sigh. In the process, Kendall had lost count of the amount of inappropriate comments, or even worse, touches, he’d received, but he knew it was a lot.

 

“Finally.”

 

“Do you now understand what I had to deal with on my own?” James complained as he leaned against the counter, wiping off the sweat from his forehead.

 

“Oh, so instead of a ‘thank you, Kendall, for saving me from sexually frustrated housewives,’ you complain about how rough your life is? I’ll remember that for the next time you ask me for help, jerkface.”

 

“Jerkface? I thought we established that I’m hot.” James took a step closer, arm resting behind Kendall’s back on the counter. 

 

“That’s what you get out of that? Really?” 

 

“Kidding! Jeeze. I’m eternally grateful, is that better?” He took another step closer, his toes now bumping against Kendall’s. Looking straight into his eyes, he rested his hand on Kendall’s, subtly tangling their fingers together. Kendall felt like he was burning up from the inside, his stomach clenching together in the most delightful of ways.

 

“How about you show me?” He swallowed, the words falling from his lips before he could stop them. James nuzzled his nose against Kendall’s, inching infinitely closer and oh, yes, this was it, it was finally gonna happen – Kendall’s heart seemed to beat in his throat, body stiff in anticipation, and he could smell James’ cologne, a musky smell intruding his nostrils… 

 

“Oooh, get it!” The catcall behind them broke them apart. When they turned around, they saw one of the housewives standing in the middle of the café, her eyes sparkling mischievously. They both let out a heavy sigh, untangling themselves from each other and turned to her. At least, Kendall noted with satisfaction, James was looking kind of dazed. That was something.

 

After a short conversation with her while Kendall’s cheeks felt like they were on fire, they discovered she had forgotten her keys. To say he was bummed out was an understatement. To say he was relieved would be a lie. Instead he remained silent as James went on a quest for her keys, but not before he shot Kendall a promising look.

 

“Later,” he mouthed and okay, this day was definitely turning around in the way Kendall had hoped for.

 

As James was scurrying around, ducking under tables in hopes of finding the woman’s keys, the door opened again and a little girl came in, accompanied by her mother. Kendall followed them with his eyes as they walked up to him and he studied them for a second – the girl seemed about ten years old, looking noticeably challenging at her mother as if she was determined to get what she wanted.

 

When the mom let out an exasperated sigh, Kendall couldn’t help but snort, reminded of his own mother and Katie (who was fifteen now), all alone back in Los Angeles. Guiltily he thought back to the last time he’d actually taken the time to talk to them, which must have been right before he went on his date with James – over a week ago.

 

Before all of this, before Kendall fucking  _left_ them because he wanted to go study art of all things (which was actually an excuse to leave the house he felt imprisoned in), not a single day went by without at least giving them a hug. Now he couldn’t remember what they’d talked about the last time they skyped. He felt like a terrible excuse of a son right about now– for a guy who used to pride himself for taking care of his family so well, he was doing an awful job. 

 

“She’ll have a decaf,” the mother said softly but sternly and the girl rolled her eyes in the exact same manner Katie would’ve done at that age. Kendall nodded, trying to push the thoughts of his family away. Now was not the time.

 

“And what can I get you, ma’am?” he smiled, albeit awkwardly.

 

“Double espresso, please.” She shared a secret smile with him that only mothers could and he felt a pang in his chest – his own mother used to smile at him like that all the time.

 

“Hey!” the little girl spoke up and crossed her arms. “You get espresso and I get fake coffee?! I want real coffee too, mom! Why can’t I get real coffee?” She looked so utterly angry that Kendall wouldn’t have been surprised if she would actually have stomped her foot on the ground.

 

“Because you’re ten, Jenny. You’re too young for real coffee. Now stop complaining.”

 

“Mom,  _please._ I do your taxes when you’re stuck, the ‘you’re too young’ talk is a little outdated by now!”

 

“You’re getting decaf and that’s final,” her mother sighed tiredly and Kendall bit back a grin as he walked over to the coffee machine and grabbed two cups. When he turned back around, behind the little girl’s back he saw James frantically searching for her keys, occasionally flinching as the woman undoubtedly touched him in places he didn’t want to be touched. In places that maybe one day, Kendall  _would_ be allowed to touch, or… Well, a guy could dream, right? 

 

There was really nothing he wanted more at this point than finally feeling that mouth against his, finally discovering what James tasted like, felt like pressed against his own chest. One look at James was all it took to set him on fire, starting somewhere in the pit of his belly and spreading out to the tip of his toes. James was staring back at him, the woman long gone by now, and his eyes held a promise Kendall knew he would keep. 

 

 

Suddenly highly aware of James’ presence and every move he made, his hands were trembling as he poured the coffee into their respective cups. He could feel James, who was cleaning the tables, follow him, eyes burning into his back, a tension so intense that he couldn’t suppress a shiver. If only he could get him alone right now…

 

“Kendall?” James’ voice sounded strange and almost tight. Kendall winked at the daughter, handing her the cup (that was filled with real coffee), before focusing his gaze on James. He braced himself, taking a deep breath. 

 

“Hm?”

 

“Could you get some sugar from the storage for me?”

 

Kendall frowned. A quick glance to the side told him that the mom and the little girl had sat down in a silent corner of the shop, minding their own business. 

 

“Um, sure.” The request was a little strange, he pondered as he walked into the storage room. Diamond’s was about to close, what did he need sugar for  _now?_

 

He heard a loud bang behind him then, and along with the sound, the lights went out and Kendall was drowning in a pool of darkness. In any other situation he would’ve panicked, but this was different. 

 

Apparently, “later” had finally rolled around the corner.

 

A sharp intake of breath that didn’t belong to Kendall echoed through the closet and he could hear a heartbeat thump rhythmically, confirming what he’d already known.

 

He wasn’t alone.

 

The looming presence of the person he wanted to touch more than he’d ever wanted to touch anyone was suffocating, intoxicating, but most of all, captivating. A broad, firm chest finally pressed against his, speaking a language that didn’t need to be spoken. His pulse beat to the rhythm of his own heart, speeding up as he pressed his palm against James’ collarbone.

 

“I told you I’d show you how thankful I am,” he heard James say hoarsely in the dark. All of Kendall’s senses seemed to come alive at that and somehow, the fact that he couldn’t see made him feel so damn vibrant that he swore he’d never known how to live before. 

 

“Oh yeah?” he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing painfully.

 

“Mhm,” James murmured against his neck. Kendall couldn’t fight what slipped out of his mouth next.

 

“You’re doing a lousy job so far.” He almost grinned, but then James groaned. He actually  _groaned,_ damn it, and Kendall’s grin died somewhere halfway through. He definitely hadn’t been prepared for what happened next: with a gentle but firm push, he crashed against the cupboard behind him, sudden warmth pressed against his neck, and soft, moist lips kissing his heated skin. He flushed at that, his breath hitching. 

 

Starting then, teasing didn’t cut it anymore and it’d been long enough. There was only so much a guy could take, after all, and he might not be fifteen anymore but at this point he might as well be. The desperation that had been locked up deep inside finally escaped and Kendall hauled James up by his hair, silently praying he didn’t pull too hard, and pressed his mouth forward, trying to catch James’ lips in the dark. When his lips finally grazed skin, something didn’t feel right, and James chuckled, vibrating against his cheeks. 

 

“You missed.” And now Kendall realized that what he’d been trying to passionately kiss was James’ chin. Shit. 

 

He pulled James’ hair again, a little harsher this time, and grumbled: “Then  _you_ teach me how it’s done when you can’t fucking  _see.”_

 

Instead of answering, James brought his hands up to Kendall’s face and cupped his cheeks gently, thumbs stroking across his cheekbones. So far, Kendall begrudgingly admitted to himself, James was doing a damn good job, but it was going a little too slowly for his taste. He’d just opened his mouth to voice that thought when James kissed him, short, quick and downright filthy compared to the gentle grasp James’ hands had on his face. Taking advantage of Kendall’s already open mouth, James slid his tongue inside. A quick, teasing flick against the roof of Kendall’s mouth and he already pulled back, biting Kendall’s bottom lip lightly.

 

Maybe, possibly, Kendall mewled a little at the loss. 

 

“Well?” James broke the silence. He sounded a little out of breath. Kendall smirked, resting his hands on the small of James’ back and pinching lightly.

 

“Still lousy.” 

 

“Still… What?! Oh, hell no!” James gasped and just like that, their mouths clashed together again. This time, Kendall opened his mouth wider and deepened the kiss, the hand that was still buried in James’ hair digging into his scalp. James tasted like mocha, Kendall noticed, and he briefly wondered where that came from until he realized that this was absolutely not the time to think.

 

Their tongues slid around each other, occasionally colliding and sending a spark of electricity through the both of them. It went straight to Kendall’s nether regions and he sighed into James’ mouth. Giving in to the desire, he slid his hand down James’ back, resting on his butt and dragging him closer so they brushed against each other.

 

James kissed him harder, just a bit rougher, and Kendall’s hand wandered from James’ butt to the edge of his jeans, fingers slipping beneath the waistband. He was briefly aware that if they didn’t stop soon, their first kiss was going to lead to a lot more than that and sucked James’ tongue into his own mouth one last time before breaking the kiss, pressing his lips against James’ softly.

 

The end of it all crashed down on him like a train wreck, his jeans a little tighter than they should be. Thankfully, through the burgundy apron, he could feel that James was just about as worked up as he was.

 

“Well, that was not exactly what I imagined our first kiss to be like,” he breathily commented and James chuckled, resting his head against Kendall’s shoulder.

 

“I wanted you to remember,” he mumbled and bit down onto Kendall’s collarbone through his shirt.

 

“Oh, trust me, I will.” The silence that followed spoke more than a thousand words. “Though next time, it’d be nice if I could actually see you.”

 

“What, so you can refrain from passionately making out with my chin again?” 

 

Hoping he aimed right this time, Kendall hit James right in the head. Judging by the loud shriek of pain that followed, he’d done  _something_ right.

 

 “First kiss and we’re already in an abusive relationship,” James complained. “This has got to be some kind of record.”

 

If Kendall’s heart jumped a little at the word “relationship”, it definitely wasn’t his fault. All he knew was that he really wanted to get out of the storage room, the walls he couldn’t quite see suddenly suffocating him.

 

“Come on, you big wuss. You can call social services when we’re outside.” He felt James’ nod more than he saw it (since he didn’t see anything, damn it) and they stalked forward, tripping over each other until they smacked against the wooden door with a bang.

 

“Oh, no,” he heard James gasp. His stomach churned a little.

 

“What?”

 

“The door won’t open.”

 

“James, what? Are you seriously telling me that we’re stuck…” he broke off his sentence when he actually heard James snort.

 

“You little…”

 

“Kidding!” James grinned as he opened the door and stepped into the café. Soft, yellow light shone into Kendall’s eyes and he glared at James as he stepped out, blinking furiously.

 

“You’re such a little shit, you know that?”

 

“I do, but that’s why you love me,” James sing-songed and pushed away a strand of hair out of Kendall’s face before quickly pecking his lips.

 

And while love wasn’t the word Kendall would’ve chosen in that situation, he feared it was exactly where he was heading. What was worse, was that he was enjoying every single second of it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you you SO much for reading, and a special thank you to Clarry and Skylines Turn for the beta and always being patient with me no matter what. The same counts for all my readers, really, for all of you who are still there and begged me to post. I hope I didn’t disappoint!

After their first kiss, James continued his quest to inspire him, taking Kendall to various museums and showing him the parts of New York that weren’t exactly public knowledge. One of the dates that stood out to him the most was the trip they’d made through Brooklyn, first visiting the Brooklyn Museum and then taking a walk through the neighborhood. James showed him a world he hadn’t known existed in New York. Where every other place he’d been so far had been busy and crowded, and as much as it felt like the city never took a moment to pause, James had managed to show him the more peaceful sides of the city. It was nice to not feel like he was rushed, to not feel like his life was passing him by – when he was with James, time seemed to be frozen. He couldn’t ask for anything else. 

The museum James took him to today, though it might not have been his first choice, was the Museum of Natural History. He wasn’t sure if that had any significance to his thesis paper, but it was the thought that counted, and James sure was thinking about his well-being. Maybe even more than he should, considering how well they knew each other (which was, actually, not at all). Kendall wasn’t used to being taken care of, to not have to worry about everyone around him - for once, he got to sit back and relax and enjoy what was happening. To a certain extent, at least.

He stared at James, unwillingly, taking in his dark eyelashes that were grazing the skin beneath his eyes, said eyes trained on one of the signs next to the stuffed squirrel they were standing in front of. It should have been ridiculous, but to Kendall, it was anything but. A warmth he hadn’t felt before overwhelmed him, fondness for the guy taking him on all these dates flowing through his veins, and he couldn’t help but smile, his eyes concentrating on his focused face.

James looked up then, catching him mid-act and Kendall couldn’t tear his eyes from him, couldn’t pretend he hadn’t been staring. A blush crept up his cheeks and he buried his hands in his pockets, uncomfortably shuffling his feet around.

“What?” he asked and pushed back his dark hair with his hand, his hazel eyes even more prominent now that they were looking right at Kendall.

“Nothing,” he murmured, and then looked up at him again. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out: “You just look really handsome.” 

He wanted to look away almost immediately, annoyed at himself for acting like such a girl, but James laughed, breaking the tension between them with just a simple sound. Kendall relaxed as he shook his head, looking back at the squirrel.

“It’s nice to know that I look attractive next to a stuffed squirrel,” James remarked after looking at it for a few seconds and rolled his eyes, causing Kendall to let out an undignified snort.

“I don’t know, he’s got a better body than you do.”

It was a complete lie and they both knew it, but James acted offended anyway, bumping his elbow between his ribs.

“Take that back,” he threatened and removed his elbow, only to replace it with his fingers, tickling into the spaces of his ribcage. He squirmed, inching backwards and colliding with an older man behind him, who had just been studying one of the paintings intently. 

“I’m sorry, sir,” he apologized and James shot him an apologetic look, stilling his hands but not loosening his grip on him. He glared at him and waited until the man had moved on before he slapped James’ chest.

“Ouch!”

“Well deserved. You can’t just disturb other people like that!”

“You’ll regret doing that, you little asshole.” And just like that, his hands were back to torturing him in the best of ways and Kendall felt like his breath was escaping him, the world slowly closing in on him as James’ hands burned through his t-shirt.

“We’re…” he breathed, trying desperately to duck away from him, but failing to do so. James’ hands found his waist and he gripped him tight, clutching Kendall to his chest firmly, his nose only inches away from his. 

“We’re in public,” he finished and breathed, lips moving closer to James’ already.

“Can you honestly tell me you care?” James’ nose bumped against his this time and Kendall couldn’t suppress the smirk that curled around his lips, his hand moving up to the nape of his neck and resting there. He toyed with the hairs, small strands of hair slipping through his fingers, and he laughed.

“Not really.”

“I thought so.” And with that, he pressed his lips against Kendall’s again, kissing him gently, and it was every bit as amazing as he remembered. James still tasted like mocha, and he still felt like home, like all the puzzle pieces fit exactly right. He never wanted it to end, never wanted to part ways from him, and when they finally did, breathing hard, he realized one thing. 

He was so totally and absolutely screwed.

\---

It was three days later and Kendall checked his phone almost religiously now – if there’d been any hopes of taking the easy way out, those were all gone at this point. He was in over his head when it came to James and there wasn’t a day that went by without him replaying that kiss in his mind, vividly reliving every feeling, every little detail of what he’d tasted like, the mocha traces still trailing over his tongue.

Kendall knew he’d either make it out happy as he could be with the most attractive guy in the entire universe, or he’d end up getting his heart broken.

What he didn’t realize yet, was that one option didn’t necessarily exclude the other. 

Finally, as if on cue, his phone buzzed in his hand and he’d opened the text before the screen had even fully lit up, scanning the contents of James’ text quickly. His heart stopped somewhere down his throat.

James wanted him to come over. To his apartment. 

He didn’t specify for what reason, but if he was being honest to himself, he’d go anyway. Obviously, James was aware of that very fact as much as he was. Somehow, Kendall mused, he had the feeling that James had never had to face much rejection.

That didn’t stop him from letting out a squeal that could rival a thirteen year old girl’s before running over to his closet and sighing in dismay as he had no idea what to wear this time, only to realize that it didn’t matter anymore. If things went well, he could call James his anyway.

“Carlos! I’m going to James’  place, I don’t know when I’ll be back!” he yelled as he marched towards the door, but no response came. After waiting for a few seconds he heard a laugh that sounded suspiciously like Logan’s, followed by a hushed “Sssh! He can’t hear us!” that could only come from Carlos. 

As he slammed the door closed and finally made his way towards Diamond’s, Kendall made a mental note to ask what that was about and where things were at in  _that_ particular relationship, because he deserved some credit in all of this. Without him, Carlos’ grade would’ve been low enough to alert his parents and he wouldn’t have this super attractive nerd in his life.

Yeah, Kendall did awesome, if he could say so himself.

It didn’t take a long time for him to get to Diamond’s. When he arrived, sooner than he’d thought, he stopped in front of the door to take a breath.  Staring at the letters printed on the door, he readied himself for what was sure to be one of the more important dates he’d ever go on. It wasn’t something he could explain, just something he felt. He was infinitely grateful that he was such a coffee snob, or else he would’ve settled for the coffee that Columbia had to offer and he never would’ve even met James. 

The thought alone made him shiver, which was a bad sign - he was in too deep already and he barely knew anything about the guy. Still, he couldn’t be any happier if he wanted to be.

Kendall shook his head, getting rid of all his doubts in an instant, and he walked in, knowing the front door wouldn’t be locked. He walked up to the one door that _had_ always been locked whenever he was there and stood still, staring at the door opening. He could see a staircase leading to what he could only assume was James’ apartment. 

 “James?” he called out hesitantly.

“Yeah?” the answer came quickly. A nervous squeak left Kendall’s mouth and he froze, slapping a hand over his mouth and taking another deep breath.  James’ head popped up at the top of the stairs, grinning down at him sheepishly. 

“Hi.”

“Hi. Did you want me to come up?”

“Of course! Just… Don’t mind the mess.”

“I’m sure it can’t be that bad,” Kendall laughed and walked towards him, trying to hide the fact that he was nervous as could be. Upstairs, the mess evidently wasn’t as bad as James had made it sound. The walls of his living room were covered in framed posters - there were posters of literally anything and everything. Without saying a word, Kendall walked over to one of the photo walls, the wall in front of him filled with pictures of New York City. Every street that he had ever walked on seemed to be captured, accompanied by pictures of cities he’d only heard and dreamed of: there were the letters of the Hollywood signs, the Trevi Fountain in Rome and even the Big Ben made an appearance. It was absolutely breathtaking. 

He turned towards another wall, noticing that this one was covered in promotional posters for musicals that had mostly been on Broadway. There were posters for Les Misérables, The Lion King, Rent and Wicked, but Kendall could see that even Dream Girls made an appearance. 

“Don’t mind the Broadway posters… I didn’t have anything else,” James softly said from behind him, sounding weirdly small. Somehow, Kendall doubted that. He doubted that there were that many posters of solely Broadway and theaters just because James didn’t have anything else to put on his walls. Slowly but surely, he started to connect the dots, but there was something that was missing. 

Like the wall itself, something about James’ statement felt off.

 “It doesn’t have that personal touch yet, I know. I wanted pictures of friends up there, but as it turns out, I don’t have that many.”

Kendall’s heart seemed to swell up in his chest, the words all too relatable to what he felt himself. His mind went back to his own room, the white walls an always present reminder of his loneliness, and he nearly laughed at the similarities of the situations at hand.

“I’m pretty sure everyone wants to be around you, mister my-face-could-rival-a-model’s.” James’ eyes darkened, eyebrows furrowed together as he stared Kendall down.

“Lust and friendship aren’t the same thing.” 

“As much as that is true, I’m sure there are plenty people who’d want to model for you if you asked them to.”

“Would you?” James asked in a low voice, his expression turning into a challenging one and Kendall could swear he stopped breathing for a moment, could swear that in that moment, the world stopped spinning around its axis.

“I’m not a model, I’m the photographer. Would you model for me?” he asked hoarsely.

“Yes. I already offered that, remember?" 

“I remember. Just checking.” His throat felt raw, the air around him suddenly too dry. 

“I have a camera right here, we could do it right now if you want.” 

Kendall knew what this was, knew deep down that James was just trying to distract him from the walls that apparently hit too close to home, but it didn’t stop him from nearly choking on his own spit, the prospect of having James submit to him completely a little too much to handle. His stomach churned and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and grab James close to him, see what else he would do if Kendall asked.

“Hmm?” James seemed to be studying his reaction, not sure what he was thinking, and he liked that. He liked that at least in some ways, he still remained a mystery to him.

“Would you want to do it now?” James’ hands suddenly grabbed his hips, his hands warm and familiar on his skin, like they already belonged there. He startled from the intensity of it all, slightly dazzled.

Only then he realized that James was waiting for an answer. He scratched his throat, trying not to focus on James’ hands on his hips, and swallowed in an attempt to clear his head.

“I… No. Not now. I don’t think that’s what you invited me over for.”

“What if it was?” James smirked and pulled him a little closer to his chest. Breathing through his nose, James’ smell intoxicated him, his presence suddenly crashing down on him and making Kendall feel vibrant and alive in ways he hadn’t anticipated. It was like finally his heart had cracked open and like it was now soaking everything the world had to offer – never in his life had Kendall felt this vulnerable but strong before.

“If it was… Then I’m not sure where the night would end,” he said softly and suddenly he seemed to remember that kissing James was something he was allowed to do. Without any warning, he tugged on James’ hair and pulled him close, crashing his mouth against James’. It didn’t take long for James to adjust, his hands moving down to Kendall’s butt and pulling him flush against his chest, deepening the kiss almost instantly. Kendall nibbled gently on his bottom lip, sucking it between his teeth. James pulled him even closer, their crotches rubbing together slightly, and a soft moan escaped from Kendall’s lips. 

They both froze, this being unexplored territory, and it took all of his willpower to take a step back, to break apart from James, and when he did, he turned around quickly so he couldn’t be tempted to run back right into his arms. 

“That’s kind of where it would end,” he remarked hoarsely and studied the walls again, staring at the posters semi-nonchalant just to not have to look at James. A portrait of an elderly lady caught his attention. He was taken aback by the intensity of her piercing eyes, burning holes into his soul. Never once had a simple picture stared through him like this one and he had the odd, tickling feeling that he was supposed to know this woman, though there was no sense of familiarity in any way. Kendall felt like he was missing something, like there was something pulling at the edges of his brain.

“That’s Greta,” James spoke next to his ear. “I took that a few weeks before she handed over the coffee shop to me.”

It took a second for his words to sink in and finally click, but then Kendall finally connected the dots, figuring out what had been right in front of his eyes all along.

“You took that?” He whipped his head around to face him. As he looked around, back at the posters, at the pictures that showed cities that even James couldn’t have visited, Kendall finally realized what was in front of him. This room was filled with James’ past, lost dreams and dreams that were still waiting to be happening. This, right here, was the story telling of James’s life, the one person who had remained a mystery to him. 

Until now.

He now deciphered the coffee shop in one of the pictures, the yellow walls familiar and comforting to him now. He saw two pictures of Logan – the first one in a room he didn’t know, the second one in the same room he was standing in now. He saw a woman and a sixteen year old boy, the boy smiling tightly and the woman not even trying. When he took a closer look, he saw an expression on the boy that he recognized as one he’d seen on James himself.

“Is that your mother?” He turned around, looking back at James, who suddenly seemed to grow more uncomfortable with every second that passed.

“Yeah, so what?”

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you guys?” Kendall pried and crossed his arms, looking at him sternly. He knew it wasn’t any of his business, but it felt like he knew him now, like he had a right to know why he was so reserved all the time. It was what you did when you were dating, after all. If that was what they were even doing.

“I don’t really want to.”

“Have you ever talked to anyone about it?” he asked and took a step closer, looking at James directly so he couldn’t escape him even if he wanted to.

He hesitated. “Greta… A long time ago.”

“That’s it, you’re sitting your ass down and you’re telling me about what happened. It’s bad to bottle things up, Diamond.”

“But…”

“Sit. Now.”

“Fine.” As he sat down on one of the dark brown sofas, he sighed heavily, a hand running through his brown hair. His face fell, vulnerable and closed up at the same time, and Kendall knew that whatever it was that had been bothering the both of them, it was going to be revealed now. He could already tell that it wasn’t going to be pretty.

James inhaled heavily and Kendall could see that his hands were shaking. He wanted nothing more than to grab him close and hold him, but he knew that if he did so now, James would never start talking. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it was also what had gotten Kendall where he  was now – compassion alongside with curiosity.

“It’s okay,” he whispered and sat down on the sofa, shifting as close to him as possible without seeming threatening. James didn’t answer, just nodded gratefully, before staring at the wall, eyes turning expressionless right in front of Kendall.

“My dad’s a rockstar. A successful one. My mom was drawn to him because he was handsome, tall and he seemed to breathe confidence,” James started hesitantly, his eyes looking anywhere but at Kendall. It sounded more familiar to Kendall than he’d like to admit, since it was exactly the quality that had attracted Kendall to James in the first place.

Staring at his hands, James continued. “She knew he’d become rich one day, and she was right – they got married, my father got famous, my mom started her own cosmetics company and then I happened.”

“You _happened?”_ Kendall didn’t miss the insinuation behind those words, didn’t miss the bitter tone of his voice. James still didn’t look at him, his hands wringing together and his knuckles turning white.

“I happened. And I’m pretty sure they regretted it ever since.”

“That can’t be true, I’m sure they love you a lot,” Kendall softly said and placed his hand over James’ intertwined fingers, holding him firmly in an attempt to console him.

“Maybe, but I sure was a disappointment. They fought over how to raise me, didn’t work it out together, got a divorce and then my dad disappeared. My mom had it all laid out for me – she wanted me to go to college, take over the company and continue her legacy. The wet dream of every mother, or at least hers.”

James took a deep breath. “I never wanted to have anything to do with Diamond Cosmetics.” It was like a bell rang in Kendall’s head. He wisely remained silent, but in his head, everything started making sense. He _knew_ the name Diamond had sounded familiar.

“Instead, I hung out with the theater kids at school and participated in the school plays. My dad, still with us at that time, was so proud of me because I got my singing skills from him, but my mom… She could already see where it was going. And when I didn’t go to Brown for a year but instead auditioned for as many plays as I could possibly manage, she snapped. If I didn’t go to college as soon as possible, she’d cut me off. So I went, to please her. And dropped out a few months after, announcing that I wanted to be on Broadway one day.”

A silence fell between them. Kendall just sat there, silently holding James’ hand and waiting for him to continue. When he finally spoke again, his voice was rough, eyes laced with tears that didn’t come through.

“All hell broke loose. My mom… I don’t want to repeat what she said, apart from the fact that I was gonna be her death one day if I didn’t ‘get the fuck out or get my shit together’. It ended up with me leaving with just enough money to get away from her as far as possible and survive for a month. I ended up in this part of the town because I knew Logan had moved here, whom I’d known since high school. I crashed his place for a while, got a shitty apartment after that and then met Greta. Who saved my life, in a way, and I’m eternally grateful, but there’s still no Broadway, and I’m stuck here making coffee every day.”

“Fuck, James,” Kendall softly spoke and pried James’ fingers loose, taking hold of his now freed hand and squeezing it tightly. He didn’t even react to Kendall’s sympathy, didn’t squeeze his hand in response – he just stared ahead, words empty but his eyes full of pain and regret.

“It’s not too late, you know.” James still didn’t respond, obviously determined not to show any sign of weakness. Kendall wrapped his free hand around James’ neck and pulled him close, dragging him down to kiss his lips gently. It wasn't a lust-filled kiss - it was the first kiss they shared that spoke of love. James' arm tangled around Kendall’s waist and he smiled sadly against his lips before he pulled away and rested his head on his shoulder, wrapped around Kendall entirely.

Kendall simply stroked his back until his shoulders started shaking and he could feel the soft cotton of his own plaid shirt turning damp. James' life hadn't been any easier, if not harder, than Kendall's had been. At least Kendall still had his mom and Katie.

"I'm sorry I made you talk about this," Kendall said into James' ear, who was now full-out sobbing into Kendall's chest. It wasn't something Kendall had ever expected to see and it felt like his heart had shattered into a thousand pieces, James' pain becoming his own now. James didn't respond, just clung onto Kendall closer, finally letting go the tears he had fought against for years. And though it was probably the most inappropriate moment to say something like this for the first time, Kendall couldn't stop the words that tumbled from his lips.

"I love you."


End file.
